Posted by Jost on July 15, 2006, at 19:40:08
In reply to Can't Get Over It, posted by cecilia on July 15, 2006, at 8:10:02
Hi, Cecilia.
I don't want to ignore your pain. But I'd like to hope that it's not totally intractable. Even if it seems that way, even if you feel that you've given up hope, or don't want any because your hopes have betrayed you in the past.I'd like to ask what happened with your ex-T and whether and how you can find a way to redeem your life from whatever happened with her, and with other people before her.
But I don't want to put you through going into that, because it sounds like it torments you. But I wish she hadn't been so (what sounds like) vulnerable, and unable to keep hold of her own sense of self with you.
There are a lot of confused, naive, or overwhelmed Ts out there-- but they aren't all that way. Despite what's happened, I truly believe you need to find another T some day-- maybe someone unusual who can communicate in a way that's strong and subtle enough for you to feel safe, over time, that he or she is really there for you.
When you've had a traumatic relationship, you need some other relationship that can help repair the trauma. Maybe this isn't something you can do now, but I really hope that you can someday. Because I think if you got some really good referrals and interviewed a number of people, you might be able to find someone whom you could feel was worth trying with.
I've seen a lot of Ts since I was a teenager, and many of them were well-intentioned and helped a little, and a few of them were incompetent, and some did significant damage-- but eventually, I did find someone-- and while it hasn't been and still isn't easy, it's so much better than it used to be.
I'm going to hope that can happen for you, even though you don't believe in that right now for yourself.
I know this isn't thinkable now, but maybe someday you can try to forgive your old T-- I have a feeling your pain was hurting her too much-- which isn't your fault, but also maybe isn't exactly hers. Of course I don't know, but I don't think it was only about money. Maybe she just didn't know what to do, and did the wrong thing.
That's tragic, esp. in its effects on you--but however awful, it's not utterly heartless, which is worse.
Jost
poster:Jost
thread:667290
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/667371.html