Posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 18:43:56
In reply to I do regret today » Tamar, posted by ElaineM on June 21, 2006, at 20:33:04
Hi Elaine,
Thanks for your reply.
> I just wanted to say that I'm really ashamed of the SI today. That's not me anymore. Or a least it wasn't until today. I'd been really proud that it had been four months since the last time. (and I'm never usually proud of myself for anything)
I think it’s great that you were able to go four months without cutting. But I’m sorry you’re ashamed of cutting yourself this time. It’s not an ideal coping mechanism, but I honestly don’t think it’s shameful. I cut too. Sometimes it feels necessary to me; I can’t do anything else. But please don’t be hard on yourself: you were in an extreme situation, with very complex and powerful emotions.
> I'm safe though. I never do anything that would be risky. It's never in a dangerous place. (I'm sorry I feel very embarassed talking about this. I know it's hard to understand for people who don't have the same issue. And I don't know who identifies so I feel bad even mentioning it.)
I’m sorry that you feel embarrassed. I think that’s common when you don’t know many others who cut. I know that I feel less embarrassed about it after talking about it here, because there are a lot of people here who understand. I hope you will get to feel that way too.
> I guess it's back to the beginning with this too. It's not a new thing, so I know what I need to do. I didn't think it would happen after so long.
Oh no! I don’t think it’s back to the beginning! You were able to go four months without cutting. Now you have made it through four months and only cut once, and that was under extreme circumstances. I think it would make sense to accept that it happened, remind yourself that you’re not perfect and you’re allowed to make mistakes, and (most importantly) decide that today is a new day and today you won’t be cutting. I honestly don’t think you need to start counting again. You have obviously made good progress in the last four months: take credit for it!
> I'm sorry if I implied that I was suicidal. I don't want to cause worry, it is just a coping thing for me. I just get desperate when I can't stop my sadness on my own. And I'm so lonely after all of this. I missed my doctor today, and that space is making me miss my T even more. I'm used to stuff like this happening, it just takes me longer each time to get back to "normal". Thanks for the hugs.
Sorry; I didn’t mean to alarm you, or to imply that I was overly alarmed. I think I was trying to say that your experience was not trivial. The danger I worry about isn’t so much the physical danger of self-harm, but the psychological danger of being alone and hurt in a situation where the one person you trust is behaving irresponsibly and abusively towards you. I’m using strong and emotive words, but that’s because I don’t want to minimise your experience.
I really do think this is an emergency. It’s not a bleeding-to-death kind of emergency; it’s a keeping-sane kind of emergency. The potential consequences of your therapist’s misbehaviour are just as serious as if you were in danger of physical injury from him. Again, I’m sorry if I’m alarming you, but I really do think it’s that serious.
(((((Elaine)))))
I know it’s your choice, but if you were looking for advice I’d say it’s not a good idea to see your therapist when you’re feeling this distressed and confused. If his intentions are honourable, then he will wait for you. If his intentions are not honourable, he will see your distress as an opportunity to take advantage of you further. If you can possibly get to see your doctor, or even someone at any organisation that can help women in crisis, I think you will be more likely to find the help you need. But it is, of course, entirely your choice.
I’ll be thinking of you. And whatever your decision I won’t judge you.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:659807
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/660255.html