Posted by frida on June 16, 2006, at 17:52:54
In reply to Re: I would » Dinah, posted by Tamar on June 16, 2006, at 14:28:17
Dear Dinah,
I had tears reading your post and the others'.
He's certainly hurting you a lot :-(
when he should be the one to offer safety, stability, support...He is your therapist! He has a commitment to you...he has a responsibility to you...I think things really have to change because you truly can't and shouldn't take anymore pain, from the person who should be giving you relief, peace and comfort. :-(
I can feel your pain. I'd be devastated and so hurt too..love and support,
Frida> > I think I'll keep the appointment Sunday just to find out when he had an inkling that this would be happening. If it was before 6/5, then I'll know he deliberately misled my husband and I in order to influence us to stay in town. Because I *would* have decided to leave if he hadn't dangled the prospect of things getting back to stable and normal in therapy. And while he was neutral in front of my husband, he was not in general neutral with me.
>
> Oh good grief. So he encouraged you to think that things were returning to normal while he was in the process of lining up this other job? I’m getting in line to give him one of those cyber slaps.
>
> > That should be an unforgiveable breach of trust.
> >
> > But likely it won't be. Most likely I'll stay with him, and you all will be as frustrated and angry with me as people are with wives who stay in abusive situations.
>
> I won’t be frustrated and angry if you stay with him. I’ll be concerned for you, however. I think it *is* an abuse of your love for him, and he needs to acknowledge that it is extremely serious. At the very least, he ought to promise you that he will do some intensive therapy himself, or go to supervision, or something like that. I think he needs to acknowledge that he must not keep hurting you and he needs to take responsibility for sorting things out in his own head. It shouldn’t be your problem, and yet it has been your problem over and over again.
>
> > I hope at least I have the courage to pass on the second session a week. The more I remember how it was the less I want to even try it. He never knew on Sunday if he could see me that week, so he'd tell me he'd call. And he'd forget to call. And I'd assume that was because he couldn't see me. But sometimes it was just because he forgot to call. And of course probably he forgot because he just didn't want to see clients after a stressful day at work. And I understand that. But sitting by my phone week after week wondering if he could see me hurt far worse than just knowing I wouldn't see him.
>
> I can completely understand that. It would be worse for me too. If he isn’t in a position to make plans three or four evenings ahead, then he can’t expect you to be in a position to drop everything to see him, or to hang around hoping he’ll phone. It wouldn’t be fair in any relationship, and it’s especially unfair in a professional relationship.
>
> > I can't believe he didn't tell me. He knows how hard this last eight months has been for me. He knows how he has hurt me over and over and over again. I told him I *wanted* to move if therapy was going to continue to be this way. That I couldn't bear being hurt like that continuously. And he told me it was over. That things would get back to normal. That he hadn't realize it had been so harmful to me but that it was over. That he wouldn't keep hurting me. That he was back to stay and he could see me twice a week on a stable schedule. That we could try to repair things.
>
> B*stard. It really does sound like a deliberate lie. How could he suggest the uncertainty was over if he didn’t know for sure that he could see you twice a week on a stable schedule? Trying to repair things only works if both parties take responsibility for their part of the relationship. He really needs to make a decision. Can he be the therapist you need him to be? Or can’t he?
>
> > And this wasn't long ago either. This was two and three weeks ago. And he didn't tell me the truth until it was too late to move.
>
> I want to believe that this has been a countertransferential oversight rather than a deliberate lie. I want to believe that he is so committed to being a good therapist to you that he wasn’t able to acknowledge to himself that he was setting you up for another hurt. I want to believe that he genuinely wishes to be the therapist you need and so finds it hard to face his own shortcomings. It’s the best spin I can think to put on it. And it still leaves him lacking in basic professional competence.
>
> > I'm inclined to leave my husband and get out of town anyway, at least until this horrible addiction is broken. Because I know that I don't have the strength to stay here and not see him.
>
> I think there is a very real question about your sense of self worth. If he has hurt you repeatedly and knows it and has promised to make things change, and now has hurt you again, it must be absolutely devastating. It’s the sort of thing that would floor anyone, but for someone with mental health problems it’s unspeakable. He needs to agree to a long term solution and he needs to stick to it. And one thing he needs to do is to make sure that he will be able to provide adequate care for you when he gets other jobs. He can’t expect you to wait for him to return, or to see him one evening in twenty-five. He has a very real responsibility for you and it’s time he got his head around it.
>
> ((((((((((Dinah))))))))))
>
> Give him hell.
>
>
poster:frida
thread:657367
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/657738.html