Posted by antigua on May 23, 2006, at 8:17:46
In reply to Younger parts and pieces - trigger, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
Well, I dug out my teddy bear last night because I decided I needed the comfort. Good thing my husband was away!
Intellectually you know you are doing all the right things. Taking care of yourself is so important, but you already know that. It's a beautiful day here and I'm going to go out and wash off the deck so I can sit outside and enjoy the birds and sunshine. (I'd much rather hide in bed....)
I've been absent because we have been dealing w/college decisions for my older son. It has been extremely difficult, but I think we have it behind us now. As you may expect, it has brought up a lot of abandonment issues in therapy. My T is away so I've decided to put all that "stuff" away until she gets back.
I thought I had made my way to such a good place, but I'm getting sucked back in. I realized (through dreams and other feelings) that I have to go back and revisit more of my csa if I'm really to deal with it adequately and live a happier life. It just keeps intruding and I have to deal with it. Yuck.
About mothers--you know I told my mother, and I know you can't imagine telling yours. Nobody can tell you that you have to; you have to find your own way to deal with it. But if the secret comes out, how bad would it be for you? Your mother might turn on you (that was my greatest fear) and you have to be strong enough to take it, which you may not be right now. On the other hand, it might free you up. I don't know the answer for you. I just know for me that there came a time when she needed to know. But our situations are different because I made the decision not to blame her verbally--I couldn't because of my fear. I understand more what her life was like and she was pretty oblivious. That doesn't mean she is forgiven, or whatever, it's just that I understand better. It's not my job to forgive her.
I don't live up to my mother's expectations either. She always wants more from me, but in my case, my mother is not the outward success yours is, so you had a lot more to measure up to.
I think your idea of getting to know her better is a good one. It may help you understand.
Your pieces will come back together, Daisy, I promise you. Your T cares deeply about you and doesn't think badly of you EVER.
all my best,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:647175
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/647215.html