Posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
There are times when I no longer want to fight this fight of putting my pieces back together. Things are changing too rapidly and my youngest part can't handle it. I'm splitting all over the place and I thought I was more "super-glued" than this. I don't feel safe, I'm out of my body a lot and even therapy was strangely surreal today. I felt like the furniture was all slightly moved and just "off" -- and I told my therapist he felt so far away. He talked about me being kind to myself, both last week and today. But what does that mean?
Another part of me is really, really angry and triggers off so easily. I'm terrified that I'm turning into all the things I never wanted to be. I know I've written this before, I feel like I've been here before. But I don't know how to work in therapy when I feel like this. I don't actually know how to work at all right now. People are beginning to worry and talk about how "absent" I've been. Part of me doesn't care.
I'm researching brain development for a new program and using lots of Daniel's Stern's work. But for some reason it hurts me to read it. I wish the work was faster and less painful. Or maybe I'm just in a painful place where reading about the "experiential state of intensely painful aloneness" and abandonment are just too overwhelming. It makes me wonder what my therapist is really thinking when I leave each session. I can almost hear him thinking, "wow, that woman is really screwed up!"
I ache. And I want to sit in my closet with my stuffed elephant, my therapist's talisman and my pillow. And never, never come out.
Sorry, I guess this is me, throwing a pity party. I just feel so gosh-darn alone right now. :(
poster:Daisym
thread:647175
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/647175.html