Posted by fairywings on April 28, 2006, at 15:51:40
In reply to Re: Anger and bitterness » fairywings, posted by Daisym on April 28, 2006, at 10:34:45
I surely never wanted to become bitter, I lived with it too. It relieved me so much when you said you couldn't imagine I was bitter based on what you know. I was so worried that I am bitter.
I know I'm angry, but it seems like my anger has me stuck right now. Hardened self-pity sounds awful...I don't think I feel sorry for myself, I think I mostly don't want to be like people in my past. I accept a lot of things, but others I'm having trouble .... hmmm...not trouble accepting, but being okay with. I just don't think I'm ready, and I feel like I"m being pressured to accept what happened as "ancient history."
I guess I'm not channeling my anger, sometimes it comes out as self loathing, but mostly with my T, not with other people. I figured that was the one place it should be okay to vent that, but now it doesn't feel safe to vent it, or hold on to much of anything for more than one appt. When I feel bad, he says at the end, well how do you feel about such and such now? As if it should be all better. I feel like I have to let go of it.
I don't think I can put it away, but I think given time I can accept it and move on. I've accepted my dad's behavior, but I'm having a lot of trouble with the mother part of it, and some of the things from my teen years. I had been dealing with it just fine till about 3 years ago when I had post partum depression. I got through that, and then it creeped up on me again about a year ago. It's gotten worse since Jan., and I guess it's coming out as cynicism and bitterness, but mostly I'm just hurt, and now I'm hurt that he called me bitter.
I"m not sure I completely understand having a relationship to it. I do need to learn to deal with the memories and emotions...and sometimes lack of emotion. Unfortunately, right now, my choices have been very poor - isolating, dwelling, and I am very guarded .... maybe, like you're saying, understanding the pain as making me who I am, trying to be better than I am right now, and more in charge of myself, is a good way to approach it. I'm not sure therapy is helping me feel better about who I am though.
His orientation must be more about moving past it. I just don't feel ready. But I will check with him when he's trying to "reframe" things because there have been times when I've taken what he says wrong. I feel pressured, maybe he doesn't intend to pressure me. Maybe by telling me I sound angry and bitter he was challenging me to give it up.
Thanks for your insight daisy, I always find it really helpful.
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:637491
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/637886.html