Posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 9:12:21
i tried talking yesterday in session. it went ok i guess. but it' s hard cuz i know i need to talk and i am starting to trust her a bit but....i don't feel protected. i could open up to last T cuz i felt protected if i fell during session. with new female T i just can't feel protected so 'I' have to protect me which turns out to not talking/opening up.
she asked me an embarrasing question so on instinct i lied. even though i want to tell her the truth...i can't yet. i'm scared and just can't handle getting hurt by her.
i was even a little upset that she asked me the question...i felt like i wasn't belieived, or that she was accusing me (even though i know she wasn't...she just brought up feelings that i got from my mother) shame. i know that in order to get open she needs to ask me some questions, but at the same time i don't want her to ask me anything.
i just feel SO to blame for Everything. Everything when i was young. now i feel like she has a judgemental tone (even though i don't think she is...my mind automatically is thinking this). i tried to tell her that when i was young a couple guys made me watch porn with them... she asked 'how did they make you?'...a legitimate question i think but all i could thnk was...well they didn't tie me up so i guess they didn't make me, i guess i wanted it...just like they said.
truth is my brother would pull me downstairs and have me sit between the two of them and coach me.
so i think...maybe i did 'want' it. i KNOW I DIDN"T, i DIDN"T. Honest...God, how do i explain it. all signs point to me wanting it. i didn't...but it all points to me being a disgusting person, not stopping it, not fighting it over and over.
What do i do.
please help me understand.
poster:B2chica
thread:629582
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060406/msgs/629582.html