Posted by LadyBug on March 24, 2006, at 12:06:16
In reply to Re: Angry, Hurt and Sad » All Done, posted by allisonross on March 24, 2006, at 10:04:03
Thank you ALL for your kind and understanding words. You guys are all so sweet.
I'm glad you liked my "blanket" story because it was a really amazing thing. We talked about it again yesterday and I told her how much it did for me this week. She said I might have to bring my blanket with me again so it can be re-charged. Great idea! I'm sure I will do it. She said it was something that worked for "us", but might not work for someone else. She's right.
I'm still feeling bummed out. Although I'm at work now, that helps, but there's the underlying issue of abandonment I feel. I called her last night and left her a voice mail while I was driving home. I almost started to cry when I said to her, "How can I learn to love myself when no one else loves me and no one loved me as a little girl?" That's how I was feeling at the moment and I still feel that way. We've talked about her tellling me at the end of the hour that she's leaving, yet she does it again and again. Is she not willing to help me process it and she doesn't want to hurt me though she knows it hurts? I'd think after working with her for 9 years she'd learn!!! My triggers are still there and this is one of them, I can't forget them!
I called her early this morning to tell her I was still feeling so hurt and did't even feel like going to work. I said, I know this is about my childhood injury, and it's not you. We both know it's what she does that triggers my injury.
I guess for a little background I will tell you that my mom is bipolar and she had a nervous breakdown when I was born. I was the 4th child of 5 and with each child she got worse. I don't know how she took care of me as a baby, though I know she was really sick and I was at my grandma's for a few weeks as a new born. She never, ever hugged me or told me she loved me unitl I was in my 20's. Her and my dad would leave all the time to go somewhere either for a few hours or for the weekend. When she left me I was terrified!!!!!!!! I had an older brother that was pure torture to me. He was so cruel. I was so afraid of him. Not only did he hit me, but he called me names etc. It really hurt my sence of self. The injury might not sound so bad to all of you that have sufferd worse things, but to me it hurts to my very core.
Thanks all for reading and responding. That's so helpful to me to know that someone would read what I have to say and reply. I'm not used to that. I used to getting ignored.
You guys are truely awesome!! I'm so glad I found Babble, it makes more sence to me than any other place I go outside of therapy.
Hugs to you!!!
LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:624007
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/624171.html