Posted by LadyBug on March 23, 2006, at 22:36:05
The last 3 ro 4 visits with my T have been really good. We are doing some really good work together, talking about so many different things. Working off of each other she explained to me tonight. Last week I took in a really nice, soft, big, and warm fleece blanket that I have. I've wanted to take it in for a long time but finally got up the courage to do it. She placed it on her lap as we were talking and at the end of our hour I told her I wanted her to "hug" the blanket so that when I took it back it would feel like she gave me a hug and I could take it home with me and use it whenever I wanted to feel our connection. It was the neatest thing and it felt so good to me.
Tonight our visit felt so wonderful and we talked on such a good level. I'm really trying to understand why I don't love myself and how I can learn to love myself. I have some severe abandonment issues and everytime she leaves town for any length of time, it triggers my childhood injury. She left in Feb. to go somewhere for about 10 days. That was REALLY hard as I was going through some really tough stuff in my life at the time. Then about 2 weeks ago she left for 4 days, which was a bit confusing to me cuz we had to change "our time" together. I don't like change. I got angry and told her I didn't want to come in for 3 or 4 weeks. My way of telling her I'm hurting and I want to stay safe from being hurt. Tonight just as the hour was about to end, she said "oh, did I tell you......" My thought was oh no do I have to go through this again???? It hurts so much and we just got through this spot 2 weeks ago. She always tells me this at the END of the hour so we couldn't talk about how it triggers my fear of her leaving me. I started driving home and thought I'm going to call her (to leave a voice mail) and tell her it felt like she just kicked me in the heart. Too bad, see ya next week!!!!!
I came home feeling soooooo bad after a wonderful visit. I crawled in bed without eating dinner. My girls got so mad at me and told me they could tell I had been to see my T.
Now I fight being angry at her knowing it's not that she's leaving and I'll need her. It's that she's leaving me and didn't give me time to process it with her so I feel HURT!!!! I hate this issue. I told her, I'm trying to work on loving myself, how can I when no one else loves me and no one loved me as a little girl.
What next????????? This is just crazy and I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:624007
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/624007.html