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attraction to therapist, trust....please help

Posted by asmita on January 24, 2006, at 18:02:07

hi everyone... i'm new here and i hope someone can help me make sense of this, i would really appreciate it.
i've been in therapy for the past few months for severe depression which led me to attempt suicide in july last year. i like my therapist, i have a lot of respect for him and his views, he seems to always have something wise to say. the problems are:
1. i am really hopelessly attracted to him, maybe more so than i have ever been to anyone else. i read a couple of things online saying this is normal and nothing to worry about, but i've been feeling this way for a while now and can't seem to be able to just ignore it. it's a sexual attraction, but also a deep sort of affection and respect i have for him, and all in all i feel really strongly about him. he's quite a bit older than me but it doesn't seem to matter, i've wondered a few times if i see him as a father-figure, i don't know. i'm terrified of losing control one day...i feel close to it sometimes.
2. because i'm so attracted to him i find it hard to concentrate during the sessions and i feel really uncomfortable. i alternate between worrying that he doesn't like me and finds me unattractive, and thinking that he's attracted to me as well. he's given me reasons to think both things...he'll tell me he likes me, comment on the way i look, and everytime, i feel a really strong chemistry in the room (might just be me though). other times i leave the sessions thinking he doesn't want me to come back, has no idea what to do with me and thinks i'm just wasting his time. i'm really sensitive to him saying anything about stopping therapy (he tends to ask me about what i want or expect to get out of it)...i feel really silly about feeling so strongly about him, just because he tries to help me and may say a few nice things...i'm really embarrassed.
3. i find it really hard to trust him. i know it hasn't been a long time, but i can't say therapy has helped me too much yet. i guess partly because i like him so much, i think everything over a few times before i say it, because i want him to like me. i tend to sit quietly, because i feel so shy and nervous around him (though i'm shy and nervous in general). i'm really pushing myself to talk though, and i think i'll get better with time. i have my doubts about him though, a lot of the time i find myself thinking "he doesn't care anyway, he's just waiting for the session to end so he can go home"...i don't know how i can get past those thoughts.
i feel like i'm failing even at therapy...which is at the moment kind of my only hope. i hope someone can give me some advice or support or something. thanks for reading.




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poster:asmita thread:602432