Posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 1:10:10
In reply to Re: feelings in our bodies » littleone, posted by Pfinstegg on January 16, 2006, at 16:14:04
******You know, I love my analyst very much- and also hate and fear him, and sometimes wonder if he is even really there. As the work has gotten deeper, he has felt a lot more of my pain than he did in the beginning, and it does hurt him. We've talked about all of this a lot. I feel quite certain that we will find our way through this successfully, but I think it is going to help us both to have this additional therapist for a while. It's strange, I've had all this pain right from the beginning, but it was expressed more as suidical ideation, depression and anxiety. These have all gotten much less severe- but the feelings behind them are there in full force; they not only hurt me a lot- but him, too. I wish it weren't so, but maybe it couldn't be otherside.****
I'm nodding my head and yet wondering how this can be true. How can we love and care for them so deeply and yet still carry the fear? I want to say it is "just" because they represent that safe place to get in touch with the hurt but right now I'm furious with him for not being around when I was 4, or 9 or 11. He understands this, I don't.
I hate hurting him. There were times when I looked at him this week and saw my tears reflected in his eyes. He said it is OK for him to feel sad for me, but I still want to make it all better for him. I think it is hard when the body memories are strong -- yesterday I was HURTING -- physically feeling the memories -- and even as he encouraged me to verbalize those feelings, I could see that he felt bad about the pain. How can we not hold back then? But I don't. I feel bad but I tell him anyway.
I've been trying to imagine a person who would feel totally safe and familiar for me. I can't come up with one. My cat...How sad is that?
poster:daisym
thread:595631
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/600613.html