Posted by fairywings on January 16, 2006, at 0:28:21
In reply to Just a broken record here, posted by jammerlich on January 15, 2006, at 23:45:06
> I've been hesitant to start this thread because I haven't anything new to say, really. Former T's phone call to thank me for the
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> I just know that I hurt....a lot.
(((jammerlich)))I think that says so much right there! You hurt a lot!!! Sounds like therapy is what you need, a place where it's okay to feel needy, okay to feel childish, okay to feel overwhelmed by the feelings you feel for another person, and okay to let her help you understand and work through all of that.
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> I think I've been doing a good job of hiding it though.**Oh, that's got to be so difficult, and no one should have to hide the pain they feel from their partner. I know we all do it from time to time, but you esp. shouldn't have to take care of someone else who's doing okay when you're feeling so much pain.
>>Doing so seems like a necessity because when I don't my husband just ends up going on about how hard it is for him to see me "like this"
**Can you by any chance share with him how that makes you feel like you have to hide your pain from him? That you need him to be strong for you right now?
>>after he goes falls asleep, I go to another room, curl up in a corner and sob. I have to, otherwise I think I might implode.
** I hope you can find a way to share this with him. Don't you think he'd want to know how badly you're suffering? I know it's so hard to talk about, but so important to let them know.
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> So you guys, you lucky babblers, get to be subjected to the thoughts that have no other place to go....**I'm glad you said something jammerlich. I'm so sorry you've been suffering in silence.
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> But the relationship - I hadn't bargained for that. It terrified me***I don't think there are many of us who fully realize what we're getting ourselves into as far as the feelings we develop for our T's. I think the T's know it's bound to happen, and there are a lot of types of therapies where the transference is felt to be necessary. It's something to work through. I guess it's part of the process.
>>and I'm not sure she really understood that. I'm still terrified about that part though. Does that mean I'm not in a place for therapy?**I don't think so at all, I think it means you're in a perfect place for therapy, but it seems you'll have to let go a little and trust your T (if you go back), so she can help you. And of course, that's easier said than done, it takes time.
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> If I went back, I'm not sure how I'd want her to be. I think maybe my boundaries were the ones that were so rigid, not hers. She used touch some and sometimes we'd sit near one another and there were times I thought that was what I wanted.**Sounds like she knew what you needed, and it sounds like you put up a bit of a wall, but she wanted to help you take down that wall and let her in, so she could help you and comfort you. She sounds very kind and caring.
>>But I could never let myself soak it in. I would just beat myself up for being so childish.**Yep, it's confusing and painful to be an adult and feel so childlike.
>>I'd never wanted closeness like that before and I HATED that suddenly I did. It felt dangerous to allow it and I was in a perpetual state of fear. But guess what? I STILL want it. It's like a fire was ignited and I can't put it out.
***I completely understand this. It feels like an addiction, like a spiral that you'll never be able to work your way out of, and you're afraid of getting caught up in it, and lost. I think it's completely normal to want that kind of attention, caring, reassurance, closeness, but at the same time, since it's not a relationship that's supposed to go on forever, it's very scary.
>>Only now, after what happened, I'm even more scared. So if I went back, I think I'd want to be in self-protection mode and keep every kind of distance there is. But that's such a sad feeling.***Maybe, since she called you, and sees that there's still a need for therapy, she sees that you felt so much danger in allowing her in? Maybe she knows you'll still have that wall around you, maybe she'll know it'll be reinforced at first? Sounds like that's a good place to start.
Any chance you can make an appt., and then put all of those feelings down in writing and send them to her b4 your first appt., so that she will know where to start, and you won't have a way to let yourself off the hook as far as letting her know how you're feeling?
>>Only I'd still want her to be like she was and I'm afraid she might not be and it would hurt knowing she'd sort of withdrawn from me. Yet I want to be withdrawn from her. I know it's unfair and juvenile, but it's what I want.**I'm sure she'll be just as wonderful as she was b4. After all she called you, she cares about you, she understands how you're feeling. And it's okay to feel like you want to stomp your foot, or pull away a bit, it's all normal. But don't cheat yourself out of an opportunity to have that relationship that felt so warm and nurturing to you. Life's too short to not give that to yourself.
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> There's so much more I wanted to say, but I just can't get it all together. I'm exhausted and I need a kleenex. I hope it's ok if I come back and post more later.**I hope you do. It sounds like you could use a shoulder to cry on. Please don't hide your feelings (((Jammerlich))).
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:599520
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/599536.html