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Just a broken record here

Posted by jammerlich on January 15, 2006, at 23:45:06

I've been hesitant to start this thread because I haven't anything new to say, really. Former T's phone call to thank me for the Christmas card has been weighing heavily on my mind and I still don't what course of action to take.

I just know that I hurt....a lot.

I think I've been doing a good job of hiding it though. Doing so seems like a necessity because when I don't my husband just ends up going on about how hard it is for him to see me "like this" and then I have to take care of him and myself. There's no energy for that right now. Most every night, after he goes falls asleep, I go to another room, curl up in a corner and sob. I have to, otherwise I think I might implode.

So you guys, you lucky babblers, get to be subjected to the thoughts that have no other place to go....

T told me back then that I was too ambivalent about therapy and that was one of the reasons I couldn't come back. I really don't think I was. Therapy - I knew I needed it. I wanted help, some guidance. But the relationship - I hadn't bargained for that. It terrified me and I'm not sure she really understood that. I'm still terrified about that part though. Does that mean I'm not in a place for therapy?

If I went back, I'm not sure how I'd want her to be. I think maybe my boundaries were the ones that were so rigid, not hers. She used touch some and sometimes we'd sit near one another and there were times I thought that was what I wanted. But I could never let myself soak it in. I would just beat myself up for being so childish. I'd never wanted closeness like that before and I HATED that suddenly I did. It felt dangerous to allow it and I was in a perpetual state of fear. But guess what? I STILL want it. It's like a fire was ignited and I can't put it out. Only now, after what happened, I'm even more scared. So if I went back, I think I'd want to be in self-protection mode and keep every kind of distance there is. But that's such a sad feeling. Only I'd still want her to be like she was and I'm afraid she might not be and it would hurt knowing she'd sort of withdrawn from me. Yet I want to be withdrawn from her. I know it's unfair and juvenile, but it's what I want.

There's so much more I wanted to say, but I just can't get it all together. I'm exhausted and I need a kleenex. I hope it's ok if I come back and post more later.

 

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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:jammerlich thread:599520
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/599520.html