Posted by daisym on January 4, 2006, at 2:20:46
Normally I'm a person who loves rules. I need them. I need to know how to stretch them, how to use them and when I can break them and when I absolutely can't.
But I hate the rules of therapy right now.
I want to sit and brood. I can't -- I'm supposed to talk. *He* isn't insisting that I talk, he is just gently suggesting that I'm isolating again and that never turns out well. But he said he could wait and we could just hang out. *I* can't do that. It is against the rules.
I want to lie that I'm OK -- but I promised not to lie. But I desperately want to show another side of myself to him. The side that can solve problems, write million dollar grants and be funny. He says he knows that side, he has seen it. But that side doesn't need therapy. URG That side doesn't want to need the pdoc either. But that would be another lie. He says I don't need to reassure him or the pdoc. I think I do.
I want more than an hour a day. I want sessions at 3am. I want to be special. I want to be rescued. I want to be held while I cry. I don't want know he has other clients or a wife that he went dancing with. And yet I want to know if he has other clients as needy as me.
Today I told him I needed a break. I thought if I took a month off I could get my feelings back under control. He said he could see why I would want that. But he wondered if I wasn't just running scared...we've put our toe into a really cold part of my lake misery. OK, that makes sense. I told him I was terrified it would change the way he thought of me...make him give up on me. And I needed to pull back and get ready for that. He said, "You are leaving therapy before you get left." Exactly. But it is more than that. I told him I hated the way talking about this stuff made me need him. And I hated the way hearing about his life made me jealous. I'm not a jealous person usually. And I told him I really wanted to yell at him. He looked thrilled and said, "Go ahead. I want to hear it." I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Then I burst into tears and babbled all of the above at him. And then apologized for the mini-tantrum. Of course.
He said it really would be OK to yell at him. That he might not like it but he could take it. And he said it really was OK to hate the limits of our relationship. He could understand why I did, and why I wanted more and needed him so much. And he said no matter what I said, he wouldn't think less of me or leave me. He said he could see I was suffering and that made him sad for me. So he really could see why I'd want a break. That didn't mean that he was saying he needed one, or wished I would take one (I asked). I sat in silence for a while. He said, "You want me to tell you what to do..." I said yes, but I know you won't. He said, "You know where I stand on this. I think it is worse for you when you try to deal with it all alone. And while I do understand that your feelings for me are painful for you sometimes, I'm really OK with them. It is OK to need me, to need more contact...I'm here for you."
Through the tears I told him that I think I just need "permission" to hate the rules and limitations, to want what I want even while I know I can't have it. Because I can't help wanting it. I think it will be easier to deal with what I can't have, than it has been to deal with thinking I shouldn't have these feelings and thinking I'm going to get into trouble at any minute because I do feel this way. (geez, I guess even thinking about breaking those rules is bad).
I left soggy but better. What is it about this time of year that has us all feeling pain around our attachments? I hope it eases off soon, for all of us.
I
poster:daisym
thread:595088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/595088.html