Posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 4:53:32
In reply to A shy hello..., posted by ali_b on December 9, 2005, at 0:05:39
Hello, and welcome!
> Just that I am feeling unlike myself and I have been like this on and off for a while.
It’s not a good feeling, is it? I hate feeling unlike myself.
> People ask how school is. 'Oh, it's good' (but I haven't gotten up all week, I will fail (again)if I don't make it to finals next week.)
>
> I sit and stare at nothing. For hours. I see things in the corner of my eye. I feel disconnected. I wake up and I can't figure out where I am.Yep. That sounds like me!
> ....but I am cheerful to company.
>
> How can someone be so 'normal' in public and so crazy alone? How can it be so hard for me to accomplish things when I can put up such a good front? I can fake it. So nothing must be wrong. It's all in my head.I’m much the same. I put on a great show in public. I’m absolutely fine when I’m with people. But then I sit at home and stare at the walls. I don’t have the energy to get up and make a sandwich. I can’t watch TV and I can’t read. I can’t concentrate. And no one else would ever guess.
It’s not unusual. Some depressed people seem fine when they’re out in public. But I have to say, sometimes I can’t face leaving the house because I know I’ll have to be fine and I can’t imagine doing it.
> So I go to therapy.
>
> ...but sometimes I can't even make it to my T.Does he know that you’re feeling so unwell that you can’t drag yourself to therapy?
> I have nothing to say to him.
>
> I just want out.
>
> (nervous, embarrassed, creeps slowly away...)Are you on meds? My doc told me I was too unwell for therapy and that I’d need to take meds for a while before I could talk about stuff.
I suppose if you can’t feel much sense of hope or the possibility of change it would be hard to say anything in therapy. Is that what’s going on for you?
I know if someone asked me, “Why do you feel so unhappy?” I’d say, “I don’t know. I just do.”
But when I’m feeling a bit better maybe I’ll be able to say, “I can’t face work because I feel I’ve fallen so far behind I’ll never catch up.” And then I’ll discover that it’s not really a disaster; that even though I’m behind I haven’t failed completely…
That might be true for you too. Even though you feel you’ve missed a lot and that failure is likely, in fact you haven’t failed. You are not currently failing. You can still pass. It’s hard to imagine, when everything seems hopeless. I can almost hear you thinking you can’t possibly pass and what would Tamar know? Well, it’s true I don’t know everything. But I know that in the school where I work we try to help students with depression; we allow them to postpone exams, we give them extra time with coursework; we understand that they have a serious illness. I hope your school is similarly understanding.
I don’t know you, and I don’t know your circumstances, but I think you sound very depressed and I think you should see a doctor as soon as possible. You’re not managing to study, no matter how cheerful you might seem in public. That’s not trivial.
Oh, and try not to beat yourself up. Being unwell is not a moral weakness. If you had a bad case of flu you wouldn’t expect to be able to study. Depression is no different.
I hope you begin to feel better soon.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:587143
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/587173.html