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Dang that fighting to relationship!

Posted by Dinah on November 21, 2005, at 23:01:04

I've spent the last two therapy sessions going to therapy, feeling that the connection we used to have is just not there any more, and staring at him and grieving. (Finally I go to therapy with my eyes open.)

So this time he said that I seemed unsure about what direction to take therapy, perhaps because I wasn't sure I was moving.

And I just burst out crying. Because deciding what direction to take therapy is not something I think about in relationship to him. It's always an evolving entity, not a detached decision.

So after much silence, I told him the truth. That I was grieving not so much because I might lose him if I moved, but because I had already lost him and could feel that every week. When pressed, I could only say that it didn't feel like he really recognized me and greeted me as if he knew me. There is always that awkwardness as between new acquaintances. I told him that after ten years, I would have hoped that our relationship had built to the point where it could weather this without my becoming a stranger to him.

He more or less admitted that I was right. That he knew he wasn't connecting as usual. And he had a lot of reasons as to why. He said it was his hope that we could just forget the differences and go forward, but that he knew that was a lot to ask for. I answered that yes, it was too much to ask. That I needed to grieve, and I hoped he could help me.

He seemed so defeated and vulnerable. I called to apologize today and he apologized too. He said he hadn't realized how really tired he had been yesterday, and how that had affected his ability to be there in a therapeutic way, until today when he felt better.

I don't know what's best to do. To continue to grieve and not try to reconnect? Or to stop being so d*mnably passive and start acting like I normally do. Yank him (verbally) into the session if he's not there fully.

He says he hopes to move back to the city by next summer. I'm not really clear if it will be a permanent or temporary move. He says that he doesn't feel like he's moved, exactly, just that he's living somewhere else right now.

But relationships can't be put on dry ice until they're more convenient. At least this one can't. We clearly don't have the natural chemistry that allows old friends to meet after years and feel like it was just yesterday. Without nurturing this relationship won't live to see the summer.

So do I throw my all into nurturing it, and hope that he does too? Or do I continue down the path that I've already started and grieve its death? Surely it would be easier to grieve now than to start again later. Or maybe the grieving would go on anyway, even if I try my hardest.

I'm so afraid of being hurt by him, and unlike other times perhaps, this time I've got good reason to fear.

He wants me to stay in this moment and fight. I told him I would.

But...

I want more than anything to fight to relationship. To stay connected at all costs. To fight even if the chances are slim.

But I want to grieve and move on. I delight in every error in judgement he makes that damages the relationship further. I laugh in glee.

I can't seem to reconcile what my gut wants, and what my brain wants.

 

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poster:Dinah thread:581098
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581098.html