Posted by 10derHeart on November 19, 2005, at 19:10:24
In reply to Just for now...., posted by 10derHeart on November 16, 2005, at 1:22:17
This is in no particular order, but I've tried to separate what was said in the 1st vs. the 2nd session (a week apart). I'm sure I've forgotten things, because the ever-present therapy amnesia is 10x worse during an emotional session, especially like this where I’ve been hurt and upset *by* him. I think some of that is my unconscious trying to block the reliving of painful words over and over by not allowing clear recall...but what the h*ll do I know?
There were two sessions. In the 1st he started out trying to explain his brief and mysterious response to my last email, saying he’d been thinking a lot about me over the weekend, and had realized/decided something about our between session emails. (He's always allowed and greatly encouraged lots of email contact, as much I need ("you can email me every day and that's fine"). It’s averaged about 2-3 most weeks, for about 6-7 months now) He said...
He feels we’ve – or he’s – created two relationships – both completely therapeutic and appropriate (that said over my instant and tearful protest that he was making it sound creepy or nasty or something) – but two distinct ones nevertheless – the email therapy and the session therapy. That he could see this wasn’t good for me because of the potential for “losing something.” Or something like that, I can’t recall and didn’t really get it anyway. He described it as seeing himself getting all excited (professionally speaking ;-)) when I send a really intense email, looking forward to doing great therapy by email, and helping me by not making me wait (thus, suffer) for input on whatever is troubling me until our next session. And that he realizes now that aspect has become all about him, and not me. And that, of course, is not okay. He thinks the lengthier replies he's given me maybe are taking away from our sessions, helping to "let me off the hook," so to speak, as if we're "done" with the topic, so it doesn't get explored further. (I agreed, that does happen – sometimes) So, he says he’s decided (this will change the 2nd week to a total cutoff) I can still email anything, but if he decides it's one of "those kind" (?!), he'll just briefly respond. He said he rarely makes changes like this, always letting the client take the lead, but that this emphasis on *his need* to use email as part of therapy vs. mine, is too important of a “misstep” for him to let it go any longer.
I guess I asked a few questions, kept sitting there stunned and upset and trying to picture how this would look from now on, sort of weakly challenging him as to why he’d misled me, why he didn’t just know this would happen, and so forth. Hard to remember, but I wasn’t a total wreck. Just crying a little and feeling slightly queasy.
In the midst of it all, sometime in the 1st session, I remember hearing him say he really wanted to help me with my problems, that he knew he was a good therapist, that he thought he could still help me, and that he really likes me. Funny – bet he doesn’t quite realize how unusual it is (at least so I’ve learned from Babble) for a T. to say that last thing, and how that ought to be a subject for sessions all by itself.... But I think, he was anxious enough himself (his foot taps rapidly off and on and he plays with his pen – dead giveaways he’s not relaxed and fully in command) he just blurted out stuff not only to explain his position, but to soothe me, to counter what he knew would be my reactions of: what did I do wrong, why can’t I do this right, why am I a freak, what’s changed, why are you rejecting me....all of which I felt and most of which I said.
So the “I really like you” comment seemed to just pop out. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I mean, my T. is no blank slate. He leans too far the other way at times, and we talk about that. We joke together. We have religious, cultural, social things in common. We seem to click in most ways. So I never truly wondered if he liked me. I’m funny, smart and interesting on my more grownup, rational days. He da*n well should like me! I keep him “on his toes” (his words) so he’s surely not bored with me – yet. And apparently, I’m not completely repulsive on my shaky, confused, needy little-kid days, since he responds and is kind and gentle with me. Yet still, that’s a loaded statement coming from any T. you have become attached to and are doing deep work with. I just don’t think he realizes....
Anyway, he told me at the end of the 1st session that he wondered if maybe as scared as I’d told him I was about what he was going to say, he may have been just as nervous. I told him I appreciated the honesty and courage it took for a T. to recognize and act on something like this. To basically feel he had to admit he’d messed up and was doing something more for him than me, and then to be humble enough to tell me about it. But I also told him it shook me up to know he could make such an error. That he ought to know how significant email is - particularly to me (this has to do with ex-T. – the initial reason I came to current T. in the first place) and it's not something to be treated lightly, etc. He agreed this could certainly damage trust and confidence and hoped we could get it back.
I don’t recall much more from the 1st session, except being so very tired, worried and puzzled afterwards. But there was still email – a little – between that time and the 2nd time. Not like now :-( (The electronic silence is deafening so far. But I’m holding it together..see him Monday b/c he’s taking off the rest of the week for Thanksgiving.)
The 2nd session - he asked me to describe how I’d been feeling all week. I told him a mixture of rejected, abandoned, hurt and a LOT of anger at him for putting me through this. He said a bunch of stuff in answer to my demand as to why he felt so strongly this had to change like this. So hard to recall the words, but I’ll try.
That he finds himself looking forward to my emails. Expecting them. Enjoying them. Enjoying writing back to me and anticipating I’ll write back, then he’ll write back, etc., etc. That he wonders why if I don’t send him one. That he’s never had email contact with a client like this before – ever (psychologist for nearly 30 years and in clinical practice probably 25 out of those 30). That he just can’t go this far “outside of his box” and feel comfortable and sure that therapy remains focused 100% on my needs, not his.
At some point, I cursed at him a little. Told him this business about still email but don’t write "that kind" of stuff was total b.s. That what he was saying was not to email, that if you thought about it, there would be no other option – anything halfway or limited would be ridiculous. I’d forever be trying to craft a message that didn’t cross some imaginary line of being too deep or something, so he’d answer. Because him responding AT ALL was more important than what the substance was about. Impossible to do that way. After much avoiding and me having to demand of him, “what do you want?! what are you really saying?!” he reluctantly admitted the need to say, “stop emailing me," yet wondering if this was “okay.” Argghhh!!! No, it’s not okay....look at me sitting here nearly sobbing... But more than anything, I need something definite and firm. I said those words felt like he was stabbing me with a knife and scolding me all at once. He apologized and said he didn’t feel like that and didn’t mean to use a tone like that. Whatever. Very angry and hurt little 10der at that point.
I threw out a lot of stuff about fear and not believing a word he said and the stuff he’d said the prior week being crazy. He said, “Alright, yeah, I was clumsy last week. What I asked you to do was stupid, not thought out. You’re right.” I wondered if we could continue, if I could get over this. I wanted to know what I was supposed to do if I wanted to talk to him, to make contact to know he was still there. He said to call and leave him a message. When I asked, “will you call back?” there was silence. No. He won’t (I’m sure in a crisis- yes – but we weren’t talking that way as I usually don’t get to that point) I think I had a fit then and said more hurtful stuff, told him he didn’t get me at all, that leaving messages knowing there would be no response was insane and would just upset me more.
He was really quiet – then asked if I’d try to consider journalling for him and bring those pages in. I could write like I was emailing to at least get the words out of my head. I reminded him the prior week he’d said, and I quote, “I’d like you to journal, but I doubt I could get you to bring anything in, even if you did.” I yelled at him for giving up on me without even trying to push me to try that. That maybe I was resistant but wasn’t it his job to break that down sometimes...to not just resign himself and give up on a possible path to more sharing...? He said I had a good point. Da*n right I did!
I don’t know what else. I only remember crying and crying and asking if he had a clue how much this sucked for me. He said, not to the depth I wish I could, but some, yes, I see it. I think I threatened to run, to quit because he was abandoning me. He said (sadly) he would hate to see that happen. That he hoped we could examine all this, find out why it is so impossible for me to internalize him more (after a year together) and to believe he exists between sessions. To use every bit of my upset to go deeper into what troubles me and frightens me in relationships. Then a few minutes later after some small talk, there was the handshake I posted about. That’s been keeping me sane and safe, really. It was important. The right touch, at the right time, with the right T. and client, can be tremendously healing and good. I’ve always known that. Thank goodness I had enough strength left to ask for the handshake.
So there. I’m all right overall, but every day I’m longing to email him. To test him or something. But I haven’t. Wish I didn’t still feel like a naughty child, foolish and lost.
Hope this wasn't impossible to follow.
poster:10derHeart
thread:579218
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/580480.html