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I went totally irrational today (trigger!)

Posted by daisym on November 9, 2005, at 20:02:40

I lost it completely in therapy today. I went on and on about the details of my experience and how fingers and a penis can be converted to weapons, about how much it hurt and how I had no idea which was the worst part or which age suffered the most. I talked too fast, through too many tears and then I was completely hostile with my therapist and demanded, "Where were you?!" I told him how alone I felt and how much I wanted to die and how much I needed him and he just wasn't there. (How could he have been 30 years ago?!) He just nodded and made comforting noises and said it was OK for me to be furious with him. And he talked about what he would have done and what should have been done.

And then I told him he wasn't allowed to treat anyone who did this to a child with any sympathy. And I didn't want him to have patients who did this. And I didn't want him to ever forget how much pain all this causes. He took all that calmly too and told me that he hasn't treated someone like my dad and that he felt no sympathy for him and that he was MY therapist, totally there for ME and that he would never (how could he?) forget the pain he was witnessing. And I cried and cried.

Urg -- how do I go back in there tomorrow after such irrational demands? I know he won't let me apologize but I feel like I behaved like a petulant spoiled child. And the worst part is that I don't think I'm done railing at him. Help!

 

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poster:daisym thread:577229
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