Posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2005, at 16:39:26
In reply to Re: Worst I've Ever Heard » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on October 20, 2005, at 16:20:05
> Yeah, sometimes I leave there and feel like I'm nothing because I never get talked about. Right now he only wants to talk to one part.
okay. now alarm bells are MAJORLY ringing for me. i'm guessing... that that part is probably a vulnerable child part that is very attached to him and fairly much adores him. probably... the child part who behaved caringly to your abusers because she didn't access those legitimate feelings of SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE. and so... that attachment is something that is... keeping you going back to him DESPITE all these other feelings that you can access of SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE.
He is discounting you. You and your legitimate feelings. Same as your abusers...
>it winds up creating such inner conflict.
yes. can you see why?
> I complained about that last session. How all my equilibrium was being thrown off. His response was so, you don't think that has to happen in order for things to get better.
lol! and that is where I disagree with the 'expert' line wholeheartedly. though i have to say that 'the expert line' is something that some 'experts' embrace more than others... But either way... HOW DOES DISCOUNTING YOUR LEGITIMATE FEELINGS GET TO BE CONSIDERED A NECESSARY THING TO HAVE TO HAPPEN IN ORDER FOR YOU TO GET BETTER?
He seems to have some very confused ideas indeed as to what is likely to help you.
> > The cricket I see is a wonderfully sensitive and caring individual who is capable of offering caring support and advice to others. She is also capable of expressing herself really well and willing to look at her motivations and the things she contributes to the unhelpful dialectic that has emerged in therapy.
> Thanks Alex.You are welcome.
>It's been so long since he's said anything remotely like that to me. Last night in my agony it occurred to me that I keep going to him and hoping for some reassurance, some comfort, some help. Why don't I learn that the well is dry?
The reason why you don't learn that the well is dry is because he has you on an intermittent reinforcement schedule. SOMETIMES he ackowledges your feelings as legitimate. OTHERTIMES he discounts them. That intermittent schedule... Keeps you going back. Thats the hardest cycle to break. If he was kind like that all the time he would be helping you. If he was unkind like that all the time you would leave in an eyeblink (unless you were willing / able to discount yourself completely). But he has you on this funny schedule... And you allow him to continue on with this by internalising it and doubting yourself never knowing whether your feelings are legitimate or not.
THEY ARE ALL LEGITIMATE
Thats the most important thing he needs to teach you. THEY ARE ALL LEGITIMATE. And if you come to really believe that then you won't need to 'delegate them out' anymore. You won't need to deny or repress them anymore. But he encourages you to deny or repress things. He encourages the needy dependent good child to generalise... But that needy dependent good child is there because she has learned to behave like that in order to obtain affection and love. And you come to believe that... That is what is required.
> For now, I think I need to take the advice I gave to you. I do have strengths and abilities and there are things I want to do with my life.
yes.
> even if a miracle happens and he comes back and manages to express some care and give me some help in a few weeks we'll be back in the same pattern again. It's happened so many times.
yes. its the intermittent thing that keeps you going back... that keeps you dependent on him. when he will only frustrate you and encourage you to supress what he is not willing to face in order to encourage the 'good kid' which is precisely what happened when you were a kid...
its not helping. its maintaining the status quo. continuing your abusive childhood environment. keeping you dependent on him. keeping you doubting yourself and your ability and your feelings and perceptions and thoughts.
> So maybe we'll have little chats too until this part is ready to leave him. He'd probably like that. He'd probably think it was progress.
or maybe that part...
that part and all the others...
would be better off with someone who can appreciat the stuff i've said.i'm no expert...
but this really is what i think.
you deserve better
all of you deserves better
poster:alexandra_k
thread:569304
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051018/msgs/569406.html