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Worst Ever (trigger)

Posted by cricket on October 20, 2005, at 12:52:14

Well the good news is that after my last session I am almost sure that my therapist is not reading here.

The bad news is he was cruel and heartless. I've never known him to be like that before. I've spent the last two days crying about it and now I am numb.

I stupidly went to my last session expecting him to have recovered from our last troubled session.

But he hadn't, not at all. I don't remember all of what was said. But I do remember the bad stuff. He said "you are suspicious of anyone like me who wants to help." Have I been acting suspicious of him here?

He said if one of my voices (the you're authority part that started all this trouble a couple of sessions ago) was in charge, she would have aborted my son. I said no she wouldn't have. He said, "She wouldn't have? Well that doesn't sound like her to me. That's very different from the way I see her."

I was crying through the whole session.

Then at the end he said (and he named three of my parts) were modeled after my parents.

I somehow got out of there and sat like a zombie at home and those last words came back.

I was distraught all night and then I made an even stupider mistake. I called him the next morning. I've called him once before years ago and I vowed never to do it again. But I did. He answered right away. It sounded like he was in some public place. I asked if he had a moment to talk.

He asked if I was okay. That was the only nice, sincere thing he said.

I said yes. I should have said no.

I told him that it struck me last night that he said that three of my parts were like my parents. I said that my parents were horrible and I was very confused why he was saying I was like them.

He sounded like a robot. He did get the names right but otherwise I felt like I was talking to a machine. It felt like a recording.

I tried to say I feel like everything is different. He said I have no idea what you're talking about.

He said I have no problem with those parts. You're the one who has a problem. You have a problem with yourself.

He said, You have to stop this black and white thinking. It's like a child. The world is gray.

He said Your parents weren't so horrible. They didn't kill you. (my step father brutually abused me, he tried to electrocute my genitals, he shot my ducks when I once went to a friends house, my mother, who was a direct witness, either laughed or said he was doing things because he loved me and I should get over myself).

He said you must have gotten some things from your mother genetically.

I said I was conflicted. That I wasn't sure that I wanted to see him anymore. I could send him a check for his final payment.

Robot therapist said well do you want to come and talk about it?

I was quiet. I wanted to say no. But then in that quiet, one of the kids (the one who still desperately clings to him) said yes, i want to talk about it. I think she said it twice. she's so used to talking in my head.

Robot therapist said thanks for calling.

I want to be done with this. What is wrong with this guy? He can't be like this with everybody. He has a good well-established practice.

Is it me?

Actually I am not sure I want to ask you all that question. I mean tell me if you think it's me. But if you think it's him, I don't think it will help me to hear that right now. I know I have your support. I have to go him see him next week, even if just for this kid's sake. She needs to see for herself how mean he is.




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