Posted by daisym on October 1, 2005, at 19:37:45
In reply to Re: abusers » lostforwards, posted by rainbowbrite on October 1, 2005, at 18:18:54
I asked my therapist a long time ago if he had ever treated an abuser. He said no, not that he wouldn't, but that they usually didn't show up in therapy unless court ordered and he didn't do court ordered work. I wondered how he could work with someone who did that, knowing how destroyed I am, and his response was that IF in the course of therapy a person grew to trust him and revealed this, he wouldn't abandoned them anymore than he would abandon me, as long as they weren't still doing it. He said he wasn't sure he would take a case knowing this is what they were coming to him for. Then he asked me if, perhaps, I could be hoping that someone like my dad went for help, found it and was "cured." I didn't realize I was hoping this until the words got said.
I've thought a lot about this (haven't we all?) because it just seems so incredible that someone could not know they were hurting someone else. But at least with csa, I think that love and sex and violence and need and loss of self-control get all tangled up. I don't think there is any thought given to whether this is messing up the child at all. I think it is true that the abuser rationalizes their own behavior or is remorseful until they lose control again. And again.
I hope to get where Racer is -- but I'm no where near convinced that I didn't play a role in all of this, not the least of which was not telling. And the fact that it happened to my sister, though not as bad, just kills me. Too many "if onlys" to cope with. I wonder all the time if he is sorry -- does he feel bad when he sees me? Is that why he left? Does he remember at all? And I think that it really, really stinks that I have to live through it twice -- then and now -- and he doesn't seem to give it a second thought. My therapist tells me it is common for abusers to put their own guilt and bad feelings into their victims (hate that word). My dad protected me from my mom finding out I was bad...he always told me he would. Now THAT was confusing -- was he hurting me or protecting me? Did he know he was twisting things or did he really believe I was the one that was bad? I'll never know the answer to that.
The other interesting dynamic is how abusers were often abused themselves -- so why wouldn't they know better? I remain on high alert around my own anger so that I never turn into that.
poster:daisym
thread:561587
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051001/msgs/561725.html