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Re: Can't even do what I promised my T (long sorry

Posted by Racer on September 29, 2005, at 13:22:25

In reply to Re: Can't even do what I promised my T (long sorry) messadivoce, posted by Shortelise on September 24, 2005, at 17:43:30

Ugh. What a lousy thing to say! I'm so sorry that your father is so unsupportive of you -- no wonder you're so good at ragging on yourself. You learned the behavior.

I do the same thing, though, so I'll offer you up what I try to do myself. Maybe you'll find it helpful. Keep in mind, though, that none of it is a magic solution. I've been practicing for a number of years now, and am learning to remember to do it more often than not -- which means that it is helpful, but hard work.

OK, first I remind myself that I can't do anything about what's already done. Until I get a line on Mr Peabody and his Way Back Machine, I am stuck with what's already happened. The only thing that berating myself over it does is to demoralize me, and tear myself up inside. The only thing I can do about it is learn from it -- and move on.

Second, I am working on calling family members on EVERYTHING as soon as it happens. Rather than brooding over something, which only hurts me, I try to say something back. For example, when my aunt starts complaining about my housekeeping, I tell her that she's welcome to visit me, but that it's the company that we are concerned with -- not the criticism. My standards may not be her standards, but the only ones who are really involved are my husband and myself. That makes it a marital matter, and none of her business. Overall, it has helped -- after years of working on it. (My aunt is a slow learner...) Now she may start to say something, but she does stop. Frankly, it took my walking her to the door one day, telling her that she knew the rules and broke them, so she could leave now. (She didn't, but she's been more respectful since.)

In this case, I guess you could point out to your father that saying something like that was cruel, and unnecessary. Heavy emphasis on the "unnecessary" part, by the way -- let the cruel part sink in over time...

I went through something similar when I was married. It was only through basically telling the Big Boss that I really needed the day off that I got it. And the intermediate boss complained LOUDLY about it! Fortunately, the BB said that it was absurd -- "it's her wedding day, after all." I hope you experience the same thing.


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