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Can't even do what I promised my T (long sorry)

Posted by messadivoce on September 23, 2005, at 1:33:36

Okay so for some reason I have been triggered this week, missing my former T dreadfully, after a couple of blissful months of feeling totally apathetic about him. Which I hoped would last.

Well anyway, the last thing he said to me in person was, "Take good care of yourself." With emphasis on the good. That was a lot of what we talked about in therapy anyway; I tend to feel guilty about lots of stuff that I can't control, and tear myself down instead of reaffirming myself. I'm better in this area, but admittedly not great.

I've tried to do just that; to avoid attacking myself, to be my own friend, and to do other more practical things too, from not allowing myself to be vulnerable and approval-needy from my parents (it doesn't always work) to joining the gym to help myself be more healthy (we'll see how long that goes on!).

Well, I totally failed at the whole take care of myself/apply what I learned in therapy thing yesterday. The situation was, I put in my request for time off for my wedding, which is 8.5 months away, but I figured, hey, give 'em a lot of notice. However, there was a question for a day about whether or not it would be approved (I work in college admin and there was a one day freshman orientation scheduled for that same weekend that no one is usually allowed to miss--but it wasn't on the calendar). Whether or not it was approved was immaterial; I've made reservations that can't be changed and I wasn't going to be at work one way or the other.

Well anyway, when my dad heard about this situation, he immediately said to me "Better start looking for another job." Totally unhelpful and unsupportive. My fiance was there and agreed that my dad was really mean about it. And that's just what's he's always done: made little comments to tear me down instead of trying to help or offer encouragement. Which is why I'm so good at doing it to myself, perhaps.

Well, I couldn't even bring it to my dad's attention that I was upset! And being assertive and standing up for myself was something that I worked in in therapy with my T, and now I can't even do it!





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