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Re: Cutting*trigger*

Posted by muffled on September 12, 2005, at 12:26:53

In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 11:23:19

> thanks for those words muffled and fw. i think i did need to hear others have made it through. i just feel like everyone around me is tired of hearing the same old thing, including my T.

I don't think others get tired of hearing you. I think they just would like to help you feel better.

> i'm on ritalin, wellbutrin, zyprexa and xanax (ambien and gin and tonic as needed) i think the wellbutrin may need to be upped and i should stop drinking, that doesn't help either.

Drinking can screw things up all right.
>
> i've acutally got an appt with my school advisor tomorrow that i don't want to miss otherwise i definaltly would consider the hospital. maybe thursday after T appt if i'm not better i'll go....Again...

If thats what you need to do to be safe for now, go for now.

> it's pretty bad when the nurses know your name. i'm afraid if i go too many times they''ll want to send me to the county mental facility. that scares me more than death.

Well, I guess if they know your name, that might make it less scarey of a place to go.
You sound not crazy to me. Just in the pit (temporarily).
>
> please babble help me through this. i'm very calm and checked out the place i plan to do it saturday. i found an isolated place. i'm scared. but feel trapped. part of me as foolish as it sounds feels like i've been talking about it for so long that if i don't try again i won't be taken seriously, like i'm crying wolf or something.

I did that too. I was good to go.I was so close. But I figgered it would be too messy when it got right down to it. But still I convinced myself to do it. Then some small voice inside said try one last thing. I phoned the local crisis line, they called the cops for me. I survived, by a hair, and I AM SO GLAD!!!!!!!! God am I glad I didn't do it. I would have irreparibly hurt so many people. Even to the person who found me. I had no kids then. My friends Dad offed himself when she was 8. It screwed her up for life. Killing yourself is SUCH a BIG thing. It isn't just and end to pain. Its HUGE. JUST DON"T DO IT. Beleive I REALLY do know.
Sorry about all the caps but this is so important for you to understand.

> i know you all believe, and understand but so many around me don't. i do love my husband and don't want to ruin his life, but what's worse having a wife that you constantly have to gut wrenchingly worry about killing herself or one that's dead and can't cause anymore worries?

Beleive me, he'd rather have you alive. If your dead maybe, just maybe, your pain stops, but it goes on for others.

> logically i know the answer to that but i'm just not believing that....i know it's wrong but can't ....can't get to that place.

I know. But just by what you have written I know that you know too. You do know. Deep inside you know.
>
> i'm tired of gaining weight, tired of being tired, tired of not being able to work to my full capacity, tired of worrying about loosing my job, tired of worrying about finishing school, tired of the incredible ache inside my heart.

Its without a doubt a tiring illness. The fight is hard. If you can, try to find ways to give yourself a break now and then. Do something pleasurable, hot bath? nature walk? music? Whatever, as long as its for YOU.
The ache shows your ALIVE, you have life, you are someone, you are special, you have a purpose, and the ache goes away. Again, you'll just have to trust me on this. Don't get me wrong, I still stuggle. But oh, the joy at times, watching my kids, sunsets etc. Its all so worth it. God I am so glad I'm here.
>
> i will tell T how i feel. i will promise that. i care about him maybe part of my stress is knowing that he may leave and i would have to transfer to someone else. but i keep reminding myself that he's not dying, he'd just be moving and i envy that. i envy that he can move anywhere in the US he wants.

Yo, envy is all right, you are human. I envy him too! The not knowings got to be hard. Re-establishing with a new T. can be hard. But NOT impossible. Possibly even good! Theres lots of bad, but theres good too. And the good is so extra good once you've seen the pit.
>
> i'll write tomorrow if i can.
> thank you for letting meknow that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel for me too.
> b2c.

b2c. Its not there MAY be light at the end of the tunnel, there IS. Where there is life there is hope. You just can't see the light right now, but it is THERE.
My thoughts are with you in this time. Do please keep posting. You can even say all the stuff you want. Even if you think its silly. As I read stuff here it seems to me, so much of the stuff I thought I was so stupid about, its the same for others. Either we are ALL really stupid here, or maybe we are just more knowledgable about stuff that 'the others'. :)
Please take care. Muffled.
I will send cyber hug. Just a quickie, cuz I don't do hugging normally. ((((b2chica))). Don't tell anybody!!!!! :)

 

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poster:muffled thread:553299
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/554227.html