Posted by javableue on August 21, 2005, at 12:33:58
My last session with my therapist was on Tuesday, and it was another one of those ones where I became incredibly anxious and upset right before the end of session without being too sure of why. I at least managed to mention it to him before leaving, and he offered to let me e-mail him about it if I figured it out. Not thinking anything would come of it, I sat down that evening and wrote what came to mind. Big mistake. I finished several hours later, spent some time paring it down to the essentials, then realised it was still too long. However, being sure I would just delete the text and forget everything in it of my own accord, I sent it along with instructions to bring it up, if only by a printout, next session.
What I hadn't counted on was how emotional the whole experience would leave me. First off... well, I guess I had trouble thinking of those things in the first place for a reason. It was very difficult to get them out in the first place, and it was compounded by shame over having written so much, over being unable to speak about it... not to mention one of things which came out was about my attachment to him, which was the hardest thing to write out and leave there. (Though I do suppose he is/will be glad to have some idea of why I find his assertions that I seek independance too much for his liking sadly amusing.) Between those emotions, some very triggering statements made by my parents and on some posts I stumbled across on another message board, and the anniversary of my cat's death, I was a wreck. Wednesday I managed to sleep away, but Thursday was another story...
To make a long story as short as I can manage, I spent the afternoon and evening planning to kill myself the next day. For the first time, I actually bothered to look up the practical details of it, decide what I needed to do beforehand, etc... I guess it couldn't have been too serious, because I changed my mind in the middle of night after trying to write a note to my therapist and just couldn't manage to find the words. Anyway, the next morning I still felt very agitated despite having decided not to do it, so I decided I needed to do something about it. I figured that if I could manage to tell my therapist the basics of what was going on, that would take away part of the pressure to do anything; while most of my thoughts centered around getting out of this situation any way I could, there was an element of wanting those I trusted to know I hurt badly enough to want to do it and being unable to say it. I sent him a message that evening (voice mail at the clinic wasn't working that day, and I didn't dare try his cell phone, so I had to use e-mail) explaining that there was something I really needed to talk to him about.
He replied yesterday morning, saying he would call Tuesday morning. The situation here is that he's on call next week and then on vacation until the third week of September. Anyway, he offered to see me if he has time, which would be ideal, but most likely he won't, and I'll have a few minutes to tell him over the phone the basics of what happened. Any suggestions on how to do this without leaving out important details or sounding too alarmist?
poster:javableue
thread:544746
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/544746.html