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Re: Why? why? why? LittleGirlLost

Posted by Daisym on August 12, 2005, at 15:48:31

In reply to Why? why? why?, posted by LittleGirlLost on August 12, 2005, at 13:25:41


I will try and find an article for you over the weekend about insecure attachments. It helped me understand more about why I feel the same as you do. Separation anxiety for adults is feels like you are going to die. And no amount of rational thought or listing of concrete things is going to help. It is a fragmentation of sorts and you need to reach out to your therapist to touch base in order hold yourself together.

My therapist has said that it probably doesn't matter much what he says when I'm like that, just as long as he doesn't blow it. It is about hearing his voice, the fact that he called back, the fact that he still is out there somewhere. Therapist permanence -- a hard concept to hang on to!

It hurts worse because you care more. And as you open these wounds with her, fear and doubt creep in and whisper, "you told her too much this came close to crying...what is she thinking now?!" and on and on. And the truth is, the issues that are being discussed are not easily placed in a box until the next time you see her. So I think part of the longing is to have someone listen to your truths and your pain, and not have to mask those. The person you want to be with is her. I'm very isolated in this way which is why I see my therapist so much.

People who can attach securely are confident that the relationship won't just suddenly rupture. People who don't attach at all don't worry about it. They don't need their therapist. People like you and me, who desperately want to be nurtured and cared for, but are deathly afraid of being too dependent, swing back and forth on this pendulum. I don't think it is something you can easily control. And I don't think it matters what she says or does right now. It will take a long time of consistency to prove to your scared little self that she isn't going to leave you or hurt you or hate you for what you told her.

My therapist tells me it eases off organically, over time. I keep saying "how much time?" I was in tears leaving yesterday and I remarked how I was back here again, needing to touch base with no real reason or crisis. He said that was fine, it ebbs and flows, not to fight it so much. I try not to, but it doesn't work. So I know what you mean about needing to hold yourself back, to break what feels like a horrible addiction. I'll ask you what my therapist always asks me, "Does your attachment to me feel all bad? Is there any part that feels good?"

I really do feel for you. My suggestions: journal, post, talk to friends, especially ones who understand therapy or have gone through it themselves, post, talk in Open, read psych books with case studies (Yalom is good for this), watch movies, post... I bet other people have other good suggestions. Don't isolate. I do this, but it makes it so much worse.

I'll check in over the weekend. Please let me know how you are doing.




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