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Why? why? why?

Posted by LittleGirlLost on August 12, 2005, at 13:25:41

Hello.... it's me again, the sporadic poster. :)
I know this is something that many of us here struggle with so I am hoping someone can shed some light on this.

Can someone please tell me why? I understand there is probably not a cut and dry answer, but that isn't helping me. I even told T last night that I am looking for a magical answer. There HAS to be something....

WHY does it hurt so much when I leave her? I feel young, little, scared, sad, feel like I will die, extremely anxious, worry... everything. I feel like I have no concept of time. No understanding that we have a set appt time on Thursdays, and nothing I do helps with that. (She says that children are like that; have no concept of time.)

There is NO reason for me to feel like this. She's never missed a session, and usually only takes 2 - 1 week vacations a year. She lets me call her, always calls back, responds to emails; she is ALWAYS there. So WHY do I still have these feelings?

And the kicker... I told her last night that they are getting worse!! Shouldn't they be getting better? Or at least be staying the same? WHY would they be getting worse? Seriously, WHY?

Her explanation is that I am feeling this way for a reason. I must have felt this way when I was little and needs were not met. And my personal favorite (NOT) "it must be very difficult for you to feel this way." She seems to understand my feelings, but between what I'm not saying, and my fear of crying, there is no way her (or anyone) would understand the intensity of these feelings. Please someone tell me WHY. :(

I see her Thursday night and usually call her when I get hom from work on Friday (or over the weekend if I can last), but this week I don't want to. I mean, I DO want to, but I don't *want* to want to. I don't want to feel like I have to. (Not "have to" by her, but have to for what feels like survival.) Does that make sense?

This is crazy! I even noticed last night that I kept the session light, because if I talk about something more vulnerable, I will only end up feeling worse when I leave. I really cannot take these feelings anymore. If it were anything else, I would stay away from something that is causing me to feel this way! But I don't want to leave her, because I understand (i guess) that "she", as a person, is not the problem.

Can anyone help? I'm tired of feeling so sad... and when I'm not sad, I'm thinking about her and that makes me sad. :(

very l, lgl




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poster:LittleGirlLost thread:540693