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Orchid and sunny10

Posted by Susan47 on August 9, 2005, at 22:15:29

In reply to Re: It is not about him !!! It is about you., posted by sunny10 on August 9, 2005, at 8:52:54

You're both probably right. I just want that real person to exist soooo much. The fight to make him real was too huge, though. He didn't want to be real. Not for me, in any case. Hopefully, one day, someone else will. Thanks, girls, for all the kind thoughts. I think you're correct. I'll get there, eventually. I know there's been times when the ex-T really let me know I was unwelcome, I know there's been times I let him know what a disappointment he's been for allowing me to carry all the guilt and all the sadness, the feelings of ugliness and unacceptability, all because he was unimaginative, unaccepting, unwilling, and jaded. That's the part that hurt the most. Feeling that he didn't trust me, that he thought things about me that were unkind, and also untrue. Knowing that I wasn't appreciated, that he'd just as well he never met me. So maybe it wasn't true, but he didn't say it wasn't, he didn't help me get to a place where I felt I was worth it. Whatever "it" is. Transference.. my transference was "too strong". I remember he said, "The way you are, the way I am .. " then something about it's not working. So I thought he was talking about how horrible I've been, how I've just been relentless in requesting more of his time. And I still think he might have meant that. But it doesn't matter, because no matter what he meant, he shouldn't have done that. Either way, he isn't who I wanted him to be. Which hurts, because I'd take him no matter who he was .. for a while. See, at least I can say that last part.




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poster:Susan47 thread:537605