Posted by frida on July 28, 2005, at 20:12:37
In reply to Talking about Sex (potential trigger), posted by Daisym on July 28, 2005, at 19:13:16
dear Daisy,
i think you're so brave sharing so much and being so vulnerable to your therapist- i wish i could share my feelings and cry with my t and tell her those things too-
i think you're doing incredible work with your T...i'm so sorry you experience so much pain during sex...
i think it's very relieving at least that you can share this with your T so you don't have to be alone with the pain alone like you were in the past..the other day i experienced a similar thing with my partner, and the only thing that helped me get through the moment was to imagine myself curled up in my T's office, and her holding my hand telling me she would protect me and won't leave me alone. It was incredibly hard and painful afterwards- well, all those old familar feelings which are so painful :-( but i guess for me what makes it a little different and not so hopeless is to know that this time i am not alone with that horrible feeling and that my T can know. (even though i could not even tell her all this).
THat's why i really think that you're so brave to share with your T like this,
i wanted to send you lots of support, and let you know i understand and i am so sorry you're hurting,and also i admire the way you share with your T..i know it's hard to trust and believe, but i'm so glad that he's proven to you that you can trust him.love,
frida> I think my therapist proved today that he can handle almost anything. (Almost) I was a sad wreck when I got there today, feeling overwhelmed and very, very young. I kicked off my shoes and curled up in a ball in the corner of the couch. I told him that I had nightmares where my dad said it was better that I die than 'tell' -- and there were other horrible things in the dreams. AND, I told him that I had a bad experience last night around sex. My husband wanted to do a specific thing and this very young voice blurted, "but I don't want to!" and I was reduced to tears. I was horrified -- I never let the younger parts out with my husband. So of course I back-pedaled and distracted him by giving into sex after all. And I felt completely destroyed during and after. It felt like a violation. And it felt old and familiar.
>
> After relating all of this to my therapist, and warning him how young and weepy I had been all day, I looked at him and said, "Do you think I would feel the same way if I had sex with you? Would I end up destroyed and in a flashback?" He asked me what I imagined and if I knew what I wanted, sexually. I said I thought it would be better with him, that there is so much baggage for me with my husband, and so many physical issues to deal with. My therapist said "but you don't know that this isn't true for me too..." I reminded him that this was MY fantasy we were talking about. He laughed. And we talked about going slow and soft lights (I'm afraid of the dark) and the ability to stop at any point. He talked about sex as surrender, a giving over of yourself to someone else and how for me it probably doesn't feel safe because I have to hide so much of myself. And if it isn't safe, how can it feel good, and not trigger this old stuff? I told him I feel safe with him so it is easy to assume sex would be at least better, if not good, with him. He said very gently, "but I know you are wounded. You've shared yourself with me. So the hard part, being intimate, has already happened." He seemed very pleased that I could talk about this without shutting down today. I think it is all linked to the whole "take care of me and protect me" set of feelings that have erupted. He agreed. He also wanted to know if touching was more on my mind and he brought up the writing Tamar and I did while he was on vacation. He said "it is OK to want to hug me." I responded with "I'm glad because I do but I can't yet." I don't know if he does hug or not but I was really glad it was OK to want to.
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> He was very calm and open and gentle during this discussion. I was in tears a lot. The only flicker of nervousness I picked up on his part was I think he stifled a yawn. I'm almost sure of it, he did the same thing I do, tightened down his jaw and swallow a big breath. And he has never, in 27 months, yawned or stifled a yawn during a session. I could be wrong, maybe he had a late night...but I think I want to believe that I can still rattle him, just a little. God forbid I get "easy."
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> Now, watch me freak out about the whole thing over the weekend. The hardest part of deep sessions like this is leaving and missing him. I feel even more alone. :(
>
poster:frida
thread:534972
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/535033.html