Posted by shrinking violet on June 26, 2005, at 19:24:45
hi everyone,
i'm sorry for posting, especially when i haven't been very supportive lately (selfish, i know). It's just very painful to read most posts right now, let alone think of anything "wise" and helpful to say to anyone.
i'm not even sure where to start, or what to say, or what difference it will make. maybe getting it out will help some.
i moved in with my sister and her friend yesterday. i miss my neighborhood, and i feel so far away from my t down here...it's only about 45 mins away, but still, i miss it, and my evening walks by the farm.
i just realized i still referred to her as my t, even though i guess she isn't anynmore. it hurts to think of her, because, well, it just does. i keep remembering back to march, when she said she felt we should terminate in another session or two, because it was becoming too "painful" for her. I can see what she meant, but i can't help but feel deserted. she did what she said she'd never do, and yes it took her almost a couple of years, but all along i knew it would happen. and it did. or maybe i "made" it happen, somehow...self-fulfilling prophecy and all. But all that aside, i miss her terribly, and i feel like we have a lot of things unsettled between us. I recently read (thanks to the suggestion of another Babbler) "When Boundaries Betray Us," by Carter Heyward. While the details of our situations are different, and while I don't agree with everything she says, nor her reactions to certain things, the general feeling is the same: that my t and i had a special genuine connection, and we were both cheated out of a special relationship just because of the way we met. A word that comes up in the book a lot is "mutuality;" I think that's the word I was searching for all the time I was seeing my T, but i didn't have the language or words at that time to discuss these things. I sent her a letter last week, updating her on things here and telling her I feel like things are unfinished with us and i hope that someday we can have those discussions. But i know i'll never hear from her, let alone see her again in any capacity, and i wonder what i've done, why all i seem to do is hurt people and make them turn from me.
This is going to sound silly, but I also have the feeling that my t is suffering right now. Not physically, per se, but...When i was seeing her, i sensed this vulnerability in her; a part of her that's sad, and wounded, and needs to be cared for, and very alone. Maybe that's partly what connected us, those hurt parts of ourselves. I also feel like she hides this part from other people, that she feels no one in her life can understand, so she suffers quietly. I also sensed that, at various times during our sessions, she's wanted to share some of these things with me, because i think she knows i'd understand and not judge her, and maybe comfort her some, too. But she held back, or she'd start to and then back off. And i know it sounds odd, but i'm feeling it from her very strongly lately. Maybe part of it is me, the way i'm feeling, and part of it is missing her so very much and longing to make things "right" with her, but i also think some of it IS coming from her, and it hurts me terribly that i can't help.
I think we could have a very special and meaningful relationship, the two of us. I think we could share with and care about each other in ways that no one else can....That we can somehow fill some of the holes each of us has inside. Not all of them, and not in all ways of course, but some....
I'm scared, and alone, and confused, and sad. I don't know where to go from here, and I don't have anyone to help me figure it out anymore. I don't know what to do.... :-(
I should stop this here, before someone comes upstairs and catches me crying.
I wish I could hug my T right now, for both of us. I wish that more than anything in the world.
-sv
poster:shrinking violet
thread:519474
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/519474.html