Posted by Dinah on May 19, 2005, at 20:13:59
In reply to Re: Loss » Dinah, posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 9:14:19
Yes, I still feel considerable guilt about her death. I know it was an accident, and I've have far rather done anything on earth than harm a hair on her tiny head. But I was responsible. And even the fact that she would have been long since dead by now doesn't change that.
I think I feel that I want too much from people and that drives them away. I care too much, I want too much. But I've worked very hard all my life not to *do* that. I can't help feeling it, but I try to be scrupulous not to do it. Except with my therapist.
Other than that... Harry tried mightily not to leave me. He lived far longer than anyone thought he could and adored me to the end. Daddy was so miserable the last four or five years of his life, but I know he didn't die on purpose either.
I'm doing so much work in therapy right now. I'd really like to concentrate on this abandonment issue which is clearly such a huge one to me and clearly affects all areas of my life.
Is that why Babble is so important to me? Does Babble as an entity seem more stable and less likely to abandon than any individuals, including individual Babblers might?
But I'm not sure what working on this issue would look like. I know how to behave better. I could probably behave better with my therapist if I set my mind to it. But behaving better wouldn't change my terror, and it would likely just leak out in other ways.
I don't quite know what to do. :(
poster:Dinah
thread:498985
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/500100.html