Posted by sunny10 on May 20, 2005, at 11:53:25
In reply to Re: Loss » sunny10, posted by Dinah on May 19, 2005, at 20:13:59
> Yes, I still feel considerable guilt about her death. I know it was an accident, and I've have far rather done anything on earth than harm a hair on her tiny head. But I was responsible. And even the fact that she would have been long since dead by now doesn't change that.
>
*** So it's the guilt as much as the grief that you have to let go of, sweetie. I know this might sound really weird, but have you written her a letter?? It might release some of the guilt feelings if you could apologize to her- even though it was an accident.
> I think I feel that I want too much from people and that drives them away. I care too much, I want too much. But I've worked very hard all my life not to *do* that. I can't help feeling it, but I try to be scrupulous not to do it. Except with my therapist.
>
*****My theory for myself is that I work so hard AGAINST being who I am (low self-esteem issues and abandonment issues) that people can see how hard I work at it and they don't like me because I can't be myself. Then they feel like they can't be themselves around me, either, which makes them uncomfortable and they "leave"...
I'm not working hard at it, but I am now working on just being me. If people don't like "me", we probably shouldn't have any type of relationship anyway...it means we're not inherently compatible.> Other than that... Harry tried mightily not to leave me. He lived far longer than anyone thought he could and adored me to the end. Daddy was so miserable the last four or five years of his life, but I know he didn't die on purpose either.
>
**** I know, the death abandonment thing is so confusing because we logically know that they didn't have a choice in the matter- it was nothing "anti-us"... but that doesn't mean we don't feel the same loss...> I'm doing so much work in therapy right now. I'd really like to concentrate on this abandonment issue which is clearly such a huge one to me and clearly affects all areas of my life.
>
*** yes, this is why I've gone back to therapy as well as the low self-esteem crap... Logically I know I'm as good as everyone else, but within any type of relationship, I always wind up treating the other person better than myself.... my boss, my boyfriends, my (used to be) husband, my parents, et cetera.... Didn't matter what type of relationship it was...
> Is that why Babble is so important to me? Does Babble as an entity seem more stable and less likely to abandon than any individuals, including individual Babblers might?
>
*** Gosh, I never thought about it like that... I HOPE that's not what I'm doing here... I'm attempting to avoid crutches at the moment!!> But I'm not sure what working on this issue would look like. I know how to behave better. I could probably behave better with my therapist if I set my mind to it. But behaving better wouldn't change my terror, and it would likely just leak out in other ways.
>
> I don't quite know what to do. :(
******* In my opinion, the key is underlying issues. And they are called that because they lie beneath the surface of our conscience. We don't know what exactly they are. We know what they've LEAD to... but not the underlying cause of why we fear, or are confused, or are anxious, or are suffer from non-clinical depression.I'm going into therapy because I act or react in ways I don't like... that doesn't mean I know WHY... I expect the experts to help me figure that out.
poster:sunny10
thread:498985
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/500337.html