Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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i must be delirious.....

Posted by shrinking violet on May 14, 2005, at 16:27:15

In reply to {no words}, posted by shrinking violet on May 13, 2005, at 12:47:38

Maybe it's the delirium of grief and lack of sleep and food, but, i'm actually considering an option that, just a few days ago, I would have balked at.

My T, and my sister, suggested a residential eating disorder place for me for the summer. I blew it off, the fear of it being too much to comprehend and since I already decided on my "plan" (and a date set), I didn't need or want to consider anything else.

But today.....I don't know. Today I emailed the center and asked them if they would accept my health insurance (the place is "wildly expensive" according to my T, and I can only imagine...It's a gorgeous facility, though). Not much maybe, but, for me it's a lot. I figure if my insurance won't cover it at all then, hey, I tried and can fall back on my original plans. But, if it does.....then maybe that means something. After I left my T yesterday I was so distraught I went to a nurse who has always been very kind to me (she calls me her friend...I'm not sure why, I think she's just being sweet), and she actually sat with me for an hour, and I actually said stuff to her I should have said to my T (ironic, how I feel more able to talk to my nutritionist, the nurse, and even my psych, a bit more now than I ever was with my T.....maybe b/c she is a T that closes me off from her? Or maybe b/c i think and feel differently towards her and won't let myself burden her with anything? I dont know....), and she held me while I sobbed rather loudly. But she said something, she said sometimes you have to just "throw" stuff out into the universe and see what you get back. So maybe that's what my email to the center was, to see what I get back.

.....But I 'm worried it might just be something I'm using to possibly work with my T again. To fix things with her. To give her what I couldn't before. If I do go to this treatment center over the summer, I'll have to postpone classes and comps (and hence, graduation) until the fall. And in that case, maybe I could work with my T again, if only for another semester. And it might be better.....maybe the intensity of the program would help. The food and the meds and the program, maybe it would open me up more, change me, allow myself to actually be the person/client I had always wished I could be but was never able to.

But the big question would be if she would or could want to help me after everything that's happened? I want to ask her to PLEASE HELP ME.....something I dont think I ever directly asked in all the time I was actually working with her.......Am I doing this as a last-ditch effort to possibly have some extra time with her and do things differently? Or is this loss of my team and being thrown, alone, into the lion's den, making me realize that I've finally hit bottom, physically and mentally and emotionally, and it's either fight the lions, or let them devour me?

I think it might be both.

I don't know.......

I miss my T so much, i've never hurt this much over one person, ever.
And I'm so so so remorseful for everything. I feel like other people get to comfort her, while all I ever did was cause her the pain in the first place.

I'm so very scared and confused and utterly lost....
I wish I knew what to do.


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:shrinking violet thread:497356
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497762.html