Posted by fallsfall on April 26, 2005, at 8:19:35
In reply to How it went » fallsfall, posted by daisym on April 26, 2005, at 1:22:44
You did really well. I'm glad he is insisting on continuing therapy during your husband's illness. You need and deserve to be taken care of yourself. You see him Tuesday, right?
>I feel pretty selfish about having any bad feelings right now, this isn't/shouln't be all about me.
Daisy, *therapy* IS and SHOULD BE all about you. When you leave therapy you need to take care of your family, but when you are *IN* a therapy session, it **IS** all about you. So that is the time when you can allow yourself to feel those "bad" feelings. Actually they are there all the time, but in therapy you can acknowlege them and let them direct your path. They are shut out during so much of your life, let them have their say during therapy. You are entitled to those feelings, even if you choose not to act on them in the "real" world.
>I could feel all the younger parts straining to get what they needed but the adult just wouldn't let them cry much.
I guess this is what I was trying to describe when I said that you should let whatever comes, come. If you can get the adult out of the way, and let your *soul* decide what to talk about... I guess it means giving control of yourself to your true self - not to any gatekeeper kind of function within your self. It took a lot of practice for me to be able to stop worrying about what he would think of me if I gave him my realtime thoughts. I worried that I would sound crazy, or completely discombobulated, that I wouldn't make any sense (which for me is about the worst that could happen). I was afraid he wouldn't know what I was talking about and that I wouldn't know what I was talking about either. It was so hard to be talking about something and have something flash in my mind and switch to that - even midsentance. But I have found that when I do that, the thing that has come into my mind is very much related to what I was talking about.
In a sense, it feels like a merging of our souls. Because I am letting him into my unprotected self. He is quiet during these sessions (until the end when he tries to tie it all together) - he doesn't ask for much clarification. I guess it feels like a deeper emotional holding. It lets the real me have company. What a powerful experience.
I know you still are afraid that you will be too much for him, that you will scare him away. But if you can feel your true self, I think that you will see that you are not overwhelming and scary - you are just you. You know how a cat will make her fur stand on end so that she looks bigger and scarier than she really is? That is the kind of armor you construct with your adult (and what I construct with the tension I bring into my therapy sessions). If you can let your fur lie peacefully, then he can hold you and pat you and comfort the cat under all the fur.
You do trust him to take care of you. Your fears are that you will hurt him. You won't hurt him. And he can take care of you. Let him.
I'll go with you if you want...
poster:fallsfall
thread:489106
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050420/msgs/489704.html