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Re: the longing (long-sorry) namaste

Posted by 10derHeart on April 15, 2005, at 23:00:36

In reply to the longing, posted by namaste on April 15, 2005, at 19:59:37

Hi Namaste,

I'm been seeing my T. now for about 4.5 months. We do well together, and he's a good one. But I don't quite go through what you are describing. Maybe one day I will, or not. Who can tell? Takes awhile, maybe, to connect on such a level, But...

I felt exactly this way (and probably worse!) for months with my former T., who I was close to in a way I've never been close to another person. We worked together for 8 months, but I knew him for 18 months before that (meds only then, he's a pdoc) and also went to group therapy led by him. So - lots of intense contact. We had a soul-deep connection that didn't need words at times. I thought of him almost constantly between sessions. It was so hard. I longed and cried and longed some more. I HAD to write about it all the time to remain functional. (so ironic)

I experienced feelings like what Daisy described -re-living the toddler stage of rapprochement - where you are willing and eager to explore and go further away from "mom," being what my T. liked to sum up as "awesome and confident," yet needing DESPARATELY to keep touching base, running back, looking back, "touching" mom to be sure she would always be there. Over and over and over again. This was the metaphor we adopted to deal with describing my needs (and some mortifying behavior), both during therapy and also after temination (he moved away - we've kept in touch). It helped a lot to make sense of such young, intense wants/needs driving a supposedly mature, adult woman!

You are so very normal. I think it's better to feel it than suppress it - that might be shaming and that's the worst. You are far ahead of some by talking with her about it - so glad to hear that. I froze up the last 2 months as I feared him leaving me and couldn't bear to tell him the depth of my overpowering emotions. That made it worse for me. But I was uncommonly blessed with a T. who listened and responded to a letter and email, and helped me gently transition to the T. I currently have. He still permits contact, and current T. is ok with that, too. The key has been both of them COMPLETELY accepting the range and intensity of feelings, and supporting me while they have run their course. It is not easy.

I still love that T. very much. I can't put it any other way. I always will have a tender place for him in my heart. One day, I can say from living it right up to the present, the longing/love evolves, changes, mellows - does all sorts of wonderful things, that are often very painful as they're happening. Lots of relapses and confusion. But talking about it with them is KEY. ALL the feelings, no matter what.

I think the feelings *are what they are* (old T. loved to say that) at the time you need to work through stuff by just *being* that way. It just sucks it has to feel like you are going to DIE if you can't hear their voice, see their eyes. I could hardly drive out of the parking lot after my sessions - I wanted to go back in and curl up under his desk...

You'll get through it all. Babble, as Daisy said, is fantastic for this stuff. Please post often. I really do think we understand very much what you wrote. Sounds like your T. is great, too, and that's wonderful. Take care - 10der




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