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not well

Posted by shrinking violet on March 18, 2005, at 18:54:11

In reply to Re: (so very) afraid to see T, posted by daisym on March 17, 2005, at 20:06:26

Thank you everyone, for your thoughts and replies.

I forced myself to go.....I didn't want to. In fact, I had a dream that I accidentally overslept and missed the session! In the stairwell, on the way to her office, I hesitated, shaking, afraid to go in. But I went, because I had to, and I had already cancelled the past 2 sessions, not including the one she cancelled last week b/c she was sick. I'm under contract with my treatment team to keep all of my appointments, so I really couldn't have skipped without getting into some trouble.

In the almost 2 years of seeing her, this was probably the worst session ever. It lasted about 25 minutes. I didn't look at her the whole time. I sat there, staring at my sleeve. I either ignored her questions or answered in one or two words, except for when she asked me something (I cannot recall the wording right now) and I answered "I didn't want to come today." It was evident she was frustrated, hurt, confused. Finally after almost a half hour, she gave up, said for me to call the center when I decided whether I wanted to finish the semester sitting with her or the director (who I don't really like, I met him once, and I know I'd never talk to him). Then I got up and left....

...and, as per usual, I sobbed in the stairwell, my heart bleeding, and instead of going to work I came home and cried some more, spent the day under a blanket on the couch. I'm sort of surprised and a little disillusioned that I was that upset anyway....I thought my defenses would have protected me from the usual meltdown I have when I leave her, but it didn't. I realized then that whether I make these last couple of months unpleasant for both of us, or whether I try to make them as memorable and special as I can, the end is going to come anyway.....Sounds rather like a "duh" moment, but, I honestly think all of this time I convinced myself that I could somehow stop the end from coming if I acted angry enough, or at least stop it from affecting me so deeply. But I can't.

So I came home and wrote her a six page word processed document....I told her everything: how much she means to me, how hard this is, why I'm reacting this way, how the therapy has become an intrusion at this point, how our "relationship" has -- for me -- transcended the therapy, how angry I am at her for feeling like she manipulated me into attaching to her, and the realization I came to above. I haven't heard from her, and I didn't really expect to. In a way, I'm glad she hasn't responded yet, because I'd rather her process it thoroughly first and, given it's the weekend, I don't want to be slapped with yet another hurtful response and then deal with it on my own all weekend. It's hard, though, not knowing how she received it, and how she's going to react to it. My response in itself may effectively end the therapy with her, if she feels she's hurting more than helping. But I can't control that, I guess....I could only be honest with her, and tell her what was in my heart. I would post it here, just for some feedback's rather long, so I won't burden anyone on the board with my blatherings.

I'm tired and sore, my eyes hurt, I'm weary...but in an odd way I'm sort of relieved that I sent her what I did, and got it all out. I just hope this can be fixed in some way, and that I don't screw up this termination with her.

Thanks again everyone.




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