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Re: not well Poet

Posted by shrinking violet on March 19, 2005, at 18:12:57

In reply to Re: not well shrinking violet, posted by Poet on March 19, 2005, at 12:15:18

>> Talk about pressure. You are under this pressure, and that has to be so difficult, especially when like me, you stare at your shoes more than you talk. The last session my T said "should we just stare at each other in silence for the next 20 minutes?" I said I wanted to leave, but didn't. I think I understand why you did. You probably felt you were just wasting her time. My T says what little I say is never a waste, yours would say the same, it's believing it that is hard. Too hard sometimes.

--Thank you Poet. Yes, that is probably part of it.....that I've wasted all of this time not talking, and now that the end is near and I'm STILL not engaging much with her (actually less, if that's even possible) I think we both feel this pressure and it's very difficult. I left because my T told me to.....I wanted to, yes, and it wouldn't have been the first time I've gotten up and left during a session, but maybe some part of me still held out some hope that she would say the "right" thing, or that I would be able to bring down my defenses long enough to at least tell her why I was so angry with her....but neither of those things happened, and she was clearly distant and frustrated, to say the least, so she asked me whether I wanted to see her every week or every two. I told her I didn't know...Her questions were irritating me at that point b/c I didn't want to talk to her at all, didn't want to even hear her voice, so at first I tried ignoring it. And I didn't know the answer. Finally she said if I answered her I could leave. I told her I didn't know. She said, oh I thought you would know the answer to that one right away. Then she said when I figured it out to call the center, and to think about whether I wanted to finish the semester with her or the director, then she said I could go. So I left. :-(

>> I told my T I would mail her my notes (I've brought them to the last two sessions, but wouldn't read them.) I am going to try to do it today. Drop them in the mail box and then I can't retrieve them or destroy them.

--Good for you Poet! Have you sent them yet? I hope you do...Let me know if I can do anything to help.

>> Try not to be afraid of what you wrote to your T. Be proud that you had the courage to send it.

--Thanks, but....I admit I am very afraid now. I wrote a lot.....and I'm not sure how she's going to take it. I have a bad feeling that she's going to tell me she can't see me anymore or, worse, I'll hear it from someone else, or a letter in the mail. She isn't back to work until Tuesday, since it's the weekend and she has Mondays off, so...I have quite a wait, and even then there's nothing to say she'll respond that day anyway, if at all. So, yeah, I'm scared. Every time I try to reach out to her, tell her how I feel, it get rebuked for it in some way, so I'm afraid....I just wish I knew what she was thinking.

Thanks for the support. :-)





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