Posted by mair on March 9, 2005, at 13:05:36
First my T recently returned from a l week vacation with the news that she spent some time on the plane catching up on some journal reading, and that she read two articles that made her think about me alot. One related to anxiety disorders in children and the other to GAD. I know she thinks I probably had an undiagnosed, untreated anxiety disorder as a child, but GAD is not anything we've ever spoken about before, and I frankly don't think she gave it alot of thought until she saw that some of the symptoms described in the article brought me very much to mind. She read me sections from both articles which was strange, because I don't like hearing myself described in clinical terms; hearing her read these articles, felt like that. Also, after reading one characteristic (I don't remember from which article), she exclaimed something like "well that's certainly you!") That really threw me off because while I think she's right, the characteristic described, has only been discussed by us very briefly on one occasion. So it's weird to see that she's thinking about things that aren't really being discussed - things that aren't being discussed because I don't want to raise them.
Over and above that I recently told her that it was starting to occur to me that maybe I'm in the middle of another major depressive episode. All the depressive feelings I've been experiencing for awhile now are having a permanent feel. I haven't experienced this sense of permanency for years - For a very long time, I've been able to tolerate alot of depressive feelings with the knowledge that they would go away quickly. It dawned on me that I've been feeling especially down for weeks now and I seem to have lost the confidence that my worst feelings are just transitory.
So now my T keeps coming up with all these new suggestions about what I should be doing and new theories as to why I'm struggling so much and she's expressing them in the context of anxiety and not depression. It sounds like so much psychotrash to me and she sounds unclear enough about it herself for me to feel like she's floundering trying to figure out how to help me - sort of grasping at things.
The worst of it is that while she thinks I struggle alot with the conflict between wanting to be closer and needing to protect myself, at the moment the pendulum has definitely swung in the direction of not really wanting her to know me any more than she does now. There's so much I don't want to talk about.
Yesterday, very much out of the blue, she asked me if I'd like to start seeing her 3x a week for awhile, until I feel steadier, I guess. Several weeks ago when I was feeling more attached to her, I would have grabbed this opportunity in a flash. Now I can't see why I'd want more therapy when therapy is so difficult and anxiety-producing for me.
I really need one of us in the room to be clear on what direction we should be taking, and I know it can't be me. The anxiety components are too new and confusing to me; I'm too overwelmed I think to take them in and make some sense out of them. And I don't know what to do about the offer of an extra session. If it would help stop this episode from escalating, I guess it might be worth it, but I've spent so much of the last couple of sessions floundering around trying to avoid opening up to her - more therapy just might make things worse.
I really can't figure out what I should be doing.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:468762
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/468762.html