Posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 18:00:22
I'm not suicidal right now, and I'm not full of self harm urges.
But I feel like a fragile vessel that has cracked twice in the past three weeks, and has been patched up with clear tape. I may look ok, but I can feel pressure building at the weak spots and I fear another crack. Ok I really fear a complete shattering, but another crack would be bad enough.
But I'm not sure it will happen. It may well not happen. I'm not sure I should factor that in at all.
I've been to therapy five times a week for the last three weeks. I didn't even feel right about going the twice a week for the years I've been pretty stable on that. Five times a week seems like unbelievable self indulgence. My therapist isn't pushing it. For all I know he objects to it, although he swears he doesn't mind.
I feel like I need that right now. Anything else seems scary. I need more than coaching right now. I need therapy. I must be feeling really horrible to admit that. I need to check in with someone who I can trust to know what to do. I need to balance a lot of needs with a lot of very different goals without short changing anything that needs attention badly. I have so many needs right now.
But I HATE the idea of asking for that much therapy. More than any other reason I may dislike the idea, I hate the total embarassment of asking for so much therapy. I hate the possible humiliation of being told no. I hate the prospect of being told that I'm making too much of how I feel. That I should just get on with things. That I don't need that much therapy. That he doesn't want to see me that often.
I'm not afraid I'll get used to it and want it forever. But I'm afraid I'm making too big a deal out of how I feel right now.
Part of me feels that it's only ok to ask for that much help if I'm a danger to myself or others. And I'm not right now. Thank God it doesn't seem to be occurring to me to make myself a danger to myself or others so that I can justify asking for so much therapy. That would be embarassing beyond measure.
It just doesn't feel right to want so much. And I'm not sure if it's a want or a need. If it's a need, it might possibly just maybe be ok to need so much. If it's a want, I'm dead certain it's not ok at all. No way.
poster:Dinah
thread:448293
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050122/msgs/448293.html