Posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2005, at 6:59:30
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 22:56:23
No, it doesn't sound weird at all. I have felt that I was bad (evil) and needed to be punished. But slowly (painfully slowly), people are showing me that I'm *not* bad, and that they *do* care.
I guess I used to say "People like me because they don't know the *real* me". I was sure that if they knew who I really was that they would see my "bad-ness", and reject me. I still fight with this, but I guess that now I am able to see that in general, I'm not "bad" - but there are still specific aspects of myself that still seem "bad" to me. The process has been (and still is) difficult. But I guess it boils down to hearing from other people that one small part of me isn't so awful (for me, this was that I can be a good friend). Eventually, I could sort of see myself that this one small part of me wasn't awful. I can distinctly remember taking inventory of my self and saying "I am a good friend, and an acceptable mother - those are my only good qualities". Over time, my friends and my therapists have been able to help me to see that I do have some good qualities. And as they have accepted me, I have shown some of the more secret parts of myself to a very few, and (much to my surprise) they still like me.
Today I will go to therapy and we will talk about yet another part of me that feels like it is "bad" (I am bad (evil) if I don't understand something). I can see intellectually that not understanding doesn't make me bad, but I feel so strongly inside that it does. So I'm not done yet with my battle to see that I am worthwhile, but I have come a long way. And for a long time I was sure that I could never feel better about myself.
Look honestly at yourself. Is there anything that you do or are that is good or helpful? Maybe you really love your dog, and you can tell that he is so happy when you pat him. Or maybe you can fix some nasty problem at work when noone else can (are you good with copy machines? I really need a person who knows how to make them work...). Maybe you have a flower box outside your window and you make sure that it is always looking pretty. When we are feeling so badly it is hard to see the one part of us that is good, helpful, pleasant, pretty. But please do look. If you still can't see anything, then tell us a little about yourself, maybe we can see something in you that is hard for you to see.
I'm sorry that your therapist had to leave. She didn't leave *you* - she left her position. She didn't leave because of you. You just happened to be hurt by the progression of her life. I'm sorry about that, and I bet that she is sorry about that, too. What did *she* see in you that she liked?
Keep posting, please.
poster:fallsfall
thread:439892
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/440043.html