Posted by B2Chica on January 7, 2005, at 11:44:36
as you all know i have really struggled with therapy...if i've even had it.
i made attempt (od) in sept. and while i was in "the center" he terminated with no real explanation and quite 'to the point'-end of discussion.
so i've been struggling trying to find another.
thought in december found one, he did testing on me and last session i went to see him to get results, wasn't clear on wheather he would see me-he sounded like he was but gave me other names cuz he was going to be gone for 3 weeks.
when i went to pick up results i saw him and asked him point blank "when you get back, knowing my Dx are you willing to take me on as a patient?" he looked straight at me and said "YES, i just gave you those names so you have coverage while i'm gone"
so that next week -after he was already gone out of state i made an appointment for when he would get back, that was yesterday.
yesterday morning his secretary called and said she was cancelling cuz he told her he wasn't taking on any new patients.
i was confused and thought...maybe he meant after taking me on he wasn't taking on new...maybe i misunderstood?? maybe he just didn't want to say no to my face??
his secretary said i should leave a voice message with him so i did, he didn't call back. i called right before my "scheduled" appt and said i hadn't heard back and would just not come in then...she had me hold-she called his office and she told me he would call me before the day was over...
he never did.so now i waited all this time...no one. he had some personal issues (person in family passed away) and i don't know if he just can't handle any more work load, or if he just changed his mind about me?
So frustrated cuz i finally found a person that i thought understood my personality and 'quarks'. i just can't believe that i'm 31, having all this trouble and despite growing up the way i did am able to FINALLY seek out help when i need it, i'm able to ask for help and just can't seem to get it.
i'm guessing i just won't hear back from him. have pdoc appt. next friday (thank GOD!) and will tell him all this.
i really needed him this week. got in to work first thing mon morning after 2 weeks off and got my @$$ chewed for hour, about my horrible work performance in december and my position threatened (seriously this time) i have three weeks to 'prove' my 'abilities or else'. My anxiety is so high i'm nauseous all day.i'm still down but not dysfunctionally depressed. i mentioned to my pdoc about talking about AD and his response was yes "we'll talk", with tone of i don't think you need one.
he deals with a lot of Severe (hospitalized) patients and i feel like since i can function somewhat in society that i really "should be lucky and just suck it up". maybe this is God's way of telling me i need to not open some of those locked doors. that i should just leave things alone and try to function from here on out.gg- would love to hear your insight from your side of the table.
mostly venting though. i'm scared for my job, i can't seem to function as a wife, i still have terrible sleep cycles/nightmares-hypnogogic/hypnopompic episodes. i feel like i'm heading toward another breakdown. i just can't do this anymore. i don't know what to do. i don't want to die but i don't want to live like this?
i want help but no one seems to want to deal with me (on T level). i also don't want my file passed around to all the T's in my town with all of them looking and saying "oh...she's one of those" and then not help me.sorry so long. really needed to let it all out.
down but not yet out.
b2c.
poster:B2Chica
thread:438981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/438981.html