Posted by Dinah on December 26, 2004, at 21:31:12
In reply to Lifetime Therapy, posted by alexandra_k on December 26, 2004, at 18:25:05
I just like the sound of that better.
So maybe in a way it is rent-a-friend. Well, not really. Because it isn't a friendship. Not like any friendship I've ever had. It's not a mother/child relationship. It's not a lover or spousal relationship. It's a therapeutic relationship. And it's therapeutic.
It's rent a therapist. And no, they aren't interchangeable. My therapist stresses that with me, and I ask him occasionally in outrage if he thinks he's like a washer at a laundromat. "This one's out of service, please use the next one down." It's a personal therapeutic relationship.
I'm not always looking for insight. Not usually even. It's not very humble for me to admit, but deep insights usually come from me rather than him. He provides the setting for it, I suppose. I'm not really looking for coping skills, although he does reinforce the coping skills he's taught me over the years and helps me remember to use them when it might be easier to use less functional ones. But sometimes I use the bad ones anyway, and he is relatively (though not perfectly) nonjudgemental about helping me brainstorm to get out of whatever mess I get myself into.
I don't care easily. I don't attach easily. For some reason I've attached to him. And he's close enough to foster that attachment, but separate enough that he doesn't get mad at me like my husband does - he doesn't learn to hate me for my flaws. *Because* he cares enough but not too much. And yes, he does care about me as Dinah. But not so much as he cares about his family or close friends. And that's good in a way. He couldn't be what he is to me if he cared too much.
The attachment is, at this point anyway, a useful thing. The main reason I try not to SI is because I promised him not to. He's definitely a factor when I'm feeling suicidal. Or on the verge of doing something idiotic. His voice and words echo in my head a lot and moderate my reactions which tend to be a teensy bit extreme.
I don't handle stress well. I'll probably never handle stress well. I've been that way since pre-puberty. My body has hair trigger responses that manifest physically as well as mentally. My therapist is an ongoing way of dealing with an ongoing problem. By using him, I'm able to use fewer psych drugs and maintain the maximum functioning I'm capable of maintaining.
I feel safe in that office to feel the things I don't feel safe feeling elsewhere. And to tell the truth, I probably should keep a lid on those things elsewhere because I have responsibilities and things to do. But keeping the lid on makes the pressure build.
I am a better mom and wife and daughter and worker for seeing my therapist regularly. My husband is happy I see him. My migraine doctor said the other day that she was delighted I saw him twice a week.
It's not an addiction any more than my klonopin is an addiction, or my depakote. At most I'll consider it a what do they call it? medical dependence?
I know there's a possibility that it could turn out very badly. In fact it's bound to unless I'm lucky enough to die first. But I also know that he realizes just how badly it could turn out, and that he'll do his best not to hurt me.
poster:Dinah
thread:432629
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041218/msgs/434478.html