Posted by crushedout on October 31, 2004, at 1:15:22
This is going to be really hard, guys. But I've never felt more sure that it was the right thing to do. I lay awake a lot last night thinking about how angry I am at how ineffective, inconsistent, invalidating, and just generally f'ed up she's been with me.
I was thinking about how she said she was impatient and annoyed with me for being depressed and not being able to talk about it easily. (I was sitting there crying for chr*st's sake! Who can talk when they're crying?) And how unsympathetic she was this past week, when I was in a terrible funk and going through really hard stuff. And how I told her that was unhelpful for me, and she was like, "I understand that you *feel* like that was unhelpful, but I think that's what you really needed."
And then I thought about how I came in saying we really needed to address my transference issues, that they were urgent and we had to make them a priority, and she was like, "Whoa, slow down. Every time we do that you just dissociate. I know you *feel* like it's urgent" --[this is a familiar refrain with her, a special form of invalidation -- what shall we call it?]-- "but these things just change on their own and if you push yourself too hard, it won't do either of us any good."
Why couldn't she just help me through the dissociation? Isn't that her job? Why didn't she respect my claim that it was urgent, and push me to address it when I asked her to? Why didn't she aggressively deal with the transference? And then, on top of that, how dare she be so insensitive and aggressive with me when I'm a puddle of depression, just looking for a little compassion, and not respect my claim that her tough love stance is unhelpful? She makes no sense to me. I feel so victimized by her whims.
That's only the beginning. I also feel terribly abandoned by her. She used to care about me and now she doesn't. I just know it. Now, this would be great fodder for therapy if only it were not true. We could work through whatever abandonment issues I have (who doesn't have abandonment issues, right?) and I would come out the other side, a better, stronger person. But if she truly has emotionally abandoned me (i.e., stopped caring), how on EARTH is SHE going to help me through that? How on earth could I trust her with such vulnerability? No way. That wouldn't work.
Next to this seething pile of anger, I still see her face in my mind's eye and think she's the most beautiful woman on earth, and that being in her arms would be pure heaven. I would trade my right arm for an afternoon there. I'm convinced I can never love another. I ache with jealousy at the thought of her family who gets to hold her and touch her and spend Sunday afternoons with her. The whole thing rips me apart.
So, the huge question weighing on my mind is, what the f. do I do next? I'm afraid to ever see her again. I might crumble. She always talks me out of things. She's an expert manipulator, truly brilliant. And I'm an easy target. One look at those watery blue eyes....
And I'm very vulnerable right now: breaking up with boyfriend, cat just died (is that really true? oh, no, i can't bear it).
I'm thinking of just breaking up with her in an email or phone call. That might be the best way. My ex-boyfriend thinks I need to stall for time, cancel my next few appointments while I build up my determination to fire her and figure out exactly what it is I need to say.
I have had eight long-term therapists since I was 14, and I have to say, never has one of my therapeutic relationships ended badly. But I just cannot see how this one could end well. This woman is truly messed up. Or, our relationship is. I don't know what happened. I wish I could gain some understanding. I wish we could just sit down and she could explain it all to me, why this all happened. I'm completely dumbfounded.
That was a lot to write. I'm sure I'll have more. I really hope you all have some good advice for me, because I'm terrified. My next appointment with her is on Tuesday evening, in three days.
crushedout (but still fighting)
poster:crushedout
thread:409442
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/409442.html