Posted by Skittles on October 6, 2004, at 17:36:07
I had a frustrating session today. My T knows there is this "thing" out there that I can't talk about. She pushed really hard today. Didn't ask me about my week, but just dove right in to the icky stuff. She tells me whatever pace I go at is ok, but I think she's getting irritated. So, I thought I might try telling here where I don't have to see facial expressions and where you don't know who I am.
I have no specific memories of anything other than emotional abuse. But I do know that "something" else happened to me at the hands of my father. I have specific memories of him coming into my room, but can't remember what happened after that. I also remember him being angry with me and dragging me by the arm to my room, but I don't know what happened once we got there. Lately I've been thinking about personal quirks (the nicest thing I can think of to call them)and see that they could be interrelated and perhaps an indication that there is csa in my past:
For as long as I can remember, I have had to lie in bed with my back against the wall with my face the door or I would never be able to fall asleep. I slept sitting up my entire freshman year of college b/c it was impossible to arrange the bed that way in my dorm room.
9 years ago when I went for my first (and only) pelvic exam, I had a strong reaction that shocked the hell out of me. I wasn't looking forward to it b/c I figured it would be unpleasant, but there was no fear of any kind. Well, as soon as the DR touched me "there," panic washed over me, my heart was racing, I couldn't breathe and I started shaking, crying and vomiting. It wasn't at all painful, I can't explain why I reacted that way. It was horrible - I have never felt so much fear - and I've never been back.
There are certain places where I can't be touched without losing it - just like with the pelvic exam.
Sex is not an easy thing for me. My husband lived without intercourse for the first half of our 9 year marriage. It's taken a long time to not be afraid of it and even longer to actually enjoy it sometimes. I still do it out of a feeling of obligation most of the time.
As a kid, in Sex Ed, I was confused after seeing the drawings of male genitals. I had an image in my mind of what they looked like and what I was seeing in the books was all wrong. Then, years later, when I saw my husband, it was like the pictures and not what I had in my mind. Recently my grandmother was talking about how poor they'd been and offhandedly remarked that because of money, my Dad and his brothers weren't circumcised. So, I've been on the Internet looking at pictures of uncircumcised men - both flacid and erect. That is EXACTLY the image that I had in my mind's eye all along.
In my own mind, I think these could be strong indicators of csa. But I don't trust myself either. And I can't seem to tell my T about them. As a teenager, no one seemed to think the emotional abuse my father inflicted on me was significant and I never felt heard because of it. To try to get people to hear me, I started saying my father molested me - certainly not believing it to be true. I just wanted someone to help me. I've felt guilty and beaten myself up over this for the past 15 years and I've told my T about it. I can't possibly go back now and say that maybe it DID happen - who would believe me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.
poster:Skittles
thread:399733
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/399733.html