Posted by lucy stone on September 18, 2004, at 22:49:42
In reply to Re: reality vs fantasay (long) » lucy stone, posted by lookdownfish on September 18, 2004, at 16:33:34
> Lucy
> Much of what you say resonates with me. I am plagued with a longing for a parent-type figure. The main difference being that my fantasy is generally (but not always) for a woman rather than a man. (I am a married woman).My longing has always been for a man rather than for a woman. My mother was depressed and frequently ill, she survived breast cancer only to die from thyroid cancer 15 years later. My dad traveled frequently with work and when he was home often flew into uncontrollable rages that terrifed all of us. I started the fantasy around puberty and the fantasy figure was always male, always powerful (sometimes even God or Jesus!), and usually sexual. My analyst and I think that the fantasy involved a man because I was looking for the loving father I never had, but we're not sure why I have never had a fantasy mother figure. When I had the opportunity to pick a therapist I deliberatley chose a man somewhat older than myself. My analyst says that I unconsciously knew I had issues to work through involving men.
> I have been processing it with my therapist, of course, and that helps because it contains the problem somewhat, but I still don't feel any closer to a solution. And I'm beginning to feel there isn't one. I guess the key point is when you say you need to grieve the loss before moving on. How does one actually do that? I don't really know where to start. Any further thoughts would be appreciated.
>
You fantasy sounds so much like mine, and I also reach for it when my life gets difficult. I have processed it my talking, talking, talking about it. We have explored how it started, all the different forms it has taken, the people I have tried to play it out with, everything. The most helpful thing to me has been to talk about exactly what it is I want the fantasy to fulfill and what it would me to me if it happened. For example, I want my therapist to hold me while I cry on his shoulder. I want him to tell me that everything will be alright. Hmm...perhaps this is part of why the fantasy involves a man...I am looking for someone other than my depressed, ill, mother to make it right. Anyway, I know while the fantasy tells me that I want to cry on his shoulder, the reality is that that would be odd and akward. We occasisionally share a hug, and it is never as good in reality as I expect it to be, and I know the shoulder thing would be same. I want him to tell me that things will be alright, but he can't do that, because sometimes things are not right and he can't make them so. It's a very early fantasy, that someone will take care of you and meet all of your needs, but the reality is that adults don't have that. He is trying to make me see that I can get those needs fulfilled in the real world by combining the things I get from real people. I can cry on my husband's shoulder, for example, and he and I together can try and make things OK. My T is trying to make me see that my father will never be the father I deserved to have, and he says I need to give up on that idea and mourn that loss. Like you, I tell him that I don't know how to grieve that loss...I also never grieved the loss of my mother in a real way and I also need to do that grieving. He says that I do know how, and at some point the grieving will just happen. I'm still waiting for that. I think he expects it to happen when we start our termination process. I am terrified of termination and have asked if I can still keep seeing him once or week or so even after we stop the analysis. He says yes, hesitantly, I know he doesn't want to expect that to happen. As I said in a previous post, he says I can live without the real him, it's the fantasy him I can't live without. He says that the feelings I will have around the loss of termination are as important as any others feelings and I think he expects that to trigger the grieving. We'll see, I guess.
> By the way, I always enjoy your posts, and have never seen you post anything remotely hurtful.
> ldf
>
poster:lucy stone
thread:392271
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/392478.html