Posted by Racer on July 27, 2004, at 12:55:26
In reply to Re: Confused, posted by vwoolf on July 27, 2004, at 4:04:16
I'm not a therapist, so I can't speak for yours, but -- back when I was still working, before this latest depressive episode hit last year -- I taught riding lessons. Now, I know, that's not like therapy -- except that a good riding teacher needs to be sensitive to the psychological aspects involved for the students. Before that, I taught computer classes for a long time, also something that involves a lot of amateur psychology. So even though my experience is tangential, it's still related, and I think I have some insight into the other side of this that might help you.
First of all, the students who stand out for me are not the "easy" ones -- those students who just followed my instructions and made adjustments based on my criticism. (in the neutral sense -- I have always been the "cheerleader" type of teacher, trying to point out the good as well as suggest improvements) The students who stand out for me are the "problem" students. The students who challenged me personally, and made me stretch my own abilities as a teacher. The students who made me think about them between lessons, to try to plan what other things to try with them to break through a block -- whether physical or psychological. Those are the students I look back on and miss the most. So, while you're twisting yourself into knots about how much you're overburdening her, she may genuinely be all fired up with enthusiasm that she has you to look forward to each week. That doesn't mean that she always enjoys your sessions, especially if you are literally telling her she's prostituting herself, but it means that there's a good possibility that she has a fair amount invested in your treatment, too. That's a good thing, really -- I do believe that the outcome for any treatment (or training) is better when both sides have a personal investment in it.
Also, what you're going through is not all that uncommon. We all express it differently, but a lot of us have trouble making that committment to the relationship with a therapist. It's more frightening than anything I've ever done -- making the decision to marry my husband when I was terrified of that committment was as nothing to what I'm going through now with my new therapist -- and the internal pressure involved because we know that we have to be able to open up in order to be helped just blows it all out of proportion.
You're not doing so badly, from what I've read here, though. You sound as if you have made the internal committment to the therapeutic process -- it's just taking a while for those Psychological Soldiers inside you to catch on that this intruder is safe enough to let past the gates. Don't worry right now about how to calm those guardians down -- that can wait until *after* you congratulate yourself on your ability to make the committment to yourself that's keeping you in therapy, and keeping you working on making progress. THAT, my dear, is one HUGE first step.
Can you say any of this to your therapist? Can you print out your post and take it in to her? Either of those might help, especially because your post here shows such clarity and insight.
Best luck.
poster:Racer
thread:371035
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040723/msgs/371211.html