Posted by Racer on July 27, 2004, at 12:35:56
For those of you who haven't followed the whole saga, this is a new therapist after three really awful experiences. I've been seeing her for only a few weeks, and although I'm starting to be able to open up a bit more, it's very, very difficult for me. To break through some of this, I'm using writing assignments to try to get to some of the things I can't say out loud, which is working really well for me overall.
On the other hand, the process of writing is also very difficult. A lot of what I'm writing about is so upsetting it's had me on a wild rollercoaster, raising me to a level where I feel semi-functional for the first time in months, then plunging me into the depths of despair. On the whole, though, I am pretty well convinced that it's good in the final balance.
Right now, though, I'm trying to write about something that has a kind of practical deadline -- the problems I've been having with Dr EyeCandy and why the thought of going to my next appointment is so terrifying for me. My next appointment with him is next Wednesday, so any good that's going to happen has to happen very quickly. Not to put any pressure on me, huh?
Now, part of what makes writing this so good for me is that it forces me to put all these amorphous sensations into words, which makes it easier for me to recognize what's going on in ways that I hadn't been able to up until now. That's A Good Thing, since amorphous sensations are much more frightening than the goblins they turn out to be once they're identified. I can handle goblins, but I just can't deal with the Swamp Creatures that hide in the vaporous miasmas. (Is 'vaporous miasma' redundant? Can you forgive me if it is?)
Part of the process right now is trying to separate out what I *need* from what I *want*, and part is trying to move a fair number of actual needs into the wants column. All that is pretty much OK, but there is one huge problem that I find I really can't seem to address. There is one aspect to the problems with Dr EyeCandy that I'm afraid to bring up at all, in writing or out loud. It's a combination of being afraid of being told that I'm "wrong" about it, being afraid that no one will believe me, being ashamed that it matters to me in the first place, and just generally being so central to the issue that I'm just too raw and scared to admit it at all to anyone in the first place. I already run through all the "reasonable" discussions in my own head, where I tell myself that I just have to "get over it" or that I must be misinterpreting the evidence, etc.
Part of me, the part that feels as if it can be functional again, says that the empirical evidence available supports my point of view, and I probably am absolutely correct about it all. That part also says that it's something that will never be resolved, so the only practical solution will involve diminishing its importance to me. Most of me says that that's totally reasonable, and a very healthy attitude to take, and pats me on the back for that clear recognition of the situation and the nuances that complicate it.
But another part of me is just quivering in the corner, ashamed for even being aware of this aspect in the first place. Especially ashamed that it's grown to such prominence for me. (I think, though, that it's like Tolstoy's white bear: once I think I shouldn't think of it, I can't help focussing on it. And I think that that's a normal response to trying to suppress something so completely.) And I'm drowning in how badly I've reacted to this part of it in the past, how much worse I've made everything by my awareness of it, etc. AND there's shame attached to it because, as I said, I can't see any way to resolve it directly, so I should be able to let it go entirely. Yeah, right.
In other words, I'm suffering a wicked attack of the "Shoulds" and I'm afraid of the humiliation of admitting anything about this aspect of the problem to my bright, shiny new therapist and seeing that she doubts my interpretations and thinks I'm totally whacked.
Any words of wisdom to help me? (Got one thought that just hit me: this is still about self-esteem, in that I can't stand the thought that she'll think less of me over this. Hmmm.... That might be a good topic to bring up myself...)
Thanks!
poster:Racer
thread:371208
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040723/msgs/371208.html