Posted by Racer on July 10, 2004, at 13:46:02
In reply to Re: Talk about lousy timing... » Racer, posted by gardenergirl on July 10, 2004, at 9:11:47
Duct tape. Good for a multitude of ills....
('Sides, no chance he'd consider the 'Pubs. He's not a classic Democrat, in that they seem to close to the 'Pubs, but he's like me: since there are really only the two viable options, he'll go for the lesser of the two evils. And support the indies as he can -- just not if it means offering indirect support to the nasties.)
I think you've really hit on something, though: it's not so much that I don't know what I'm trying to avoid. I know that the depression is getting worse, it's just that I can't stand the thought of going back into it. Yeah, I guess it is bootstrapping, in that I'm working very, very hard to force myself to keep moving so that it can't take me -- even though I know that doesn't work -- but the alternative just seems so awful, and part of my negative self-talk *is* the whole "well, you knew you were getting depressed, and you knew that if you kept working harder and harder you could outrun it a while longer, but you didn't because you don't really want to get well -- you're weak and you're lazy and you just want to wallow in it because it allows you to avoid working." (Trust me, I'm *good* at self-abuse like that -- that's only a small sample of it.) I also know that when the depression strikes, the state of my environment affects it a lot. The more this place looks like a tornado hit it (and why can't that damned tornado sweep away the cobwebs, too?), the worse I feel and the harder it is to do *anything* at all. At least if I can get some of the worst of it under control before I give in to the depression, I won't have quite as much of that part to deal with. Problem is, as my energy gets sucked away by the depression, it's harder and harder to keep doing those things and that gives me more ammunition to beat myself up with, which feeds the depression, which saps my energy even more -- in other words, it's a vicious circle. And it *is* vicious.
On top of all the particularly personal pressures, of course, there's the fact that my husband has hardly had a wife at all for over a year now -- and he is torn between worry that he'll come home to find me dead by my own hand, and that hopeful focus on all the signs that I'm "better" now. He is shocked and upset by every sign that I'm not better -- probably more so than last year, really, since he thinks it's a simple case of 'get treatment, get better, straight line' recovery. Sorry, Bud, not that easy. All the things he's done to improve things for us, and I reciprocate by getting worse again? That brings guilt into the equation, too.
Oh, man, and it's getting worse by the hour the last day or two. What a rotten way to spend a life. (Of course, I'm reading "The Working Poor" right now, so that's also affecting my mood. A lot of what the people in the book are experiencing hits home pretty hard, since I *know* that with adequate medical care -- including adequate psychiatric care -- I'd really and truly *be* recovering long before now. That frustration is pretty overwhelming. At least I'm able to read again, and at least once this is done I've got a "fun" read: "The Eyre Affair" which NikkiT recommended on the Books board. That might help a bit, since it's an alternate reality sort of thing, and literary. First paragraph is a fictional excerpt by a writer called Millon DeFloss, so you know it'll be a fun read with a lot of those "find-a-reference" games on every page. I do forget how much what I read affects my moods. Somehow, though, "Bushwhacked" didn't bother me the same way -- maybe because I could see the easy solution: Kerry! Kerry! Kerry!)
Ms GG, thank you very much for what you wrote. I always laugh a little when you apologize for bringing your own situation into it, because often that's the *most* valuable response for me! Seeing that I'm not alone, an illustration involving someone else so that I can see it from the outside, just the fact that you and others (DaisyM) care enough about me to offer a glimpse of your own personal struggles -- all those things help more than I can express. ALWAYS offer personal stories to me -- and stop apologizing! You know as well as I do that what you're offering has a great deal of value, so there's no need to apologize for giving me -- or anyone else -- such a gift. It's the highest form of selflessness, not the obverse.
Thank you.
poster:Racer
thread:364446
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040703/msgs/364749.html