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You are not alone KindGirl

Posted by DaisyM on May 31, 2004, at 13:56:38

In reply to thanks GG (might trigger at the end**), posted by KindGirl on May 30, 2004, at 14:20:38

KG -

I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about how you articulated the ongoing struggle of both sides of me.

When I have a crisis, I have lots of close contact with my Therapist. And I am OK with it in the moment. And it helps lessen the pain tremendously. But later, as I reflect on my behavior, I am disturbed by the intensity of my need and the strong wish to be taken care of. It is more than just being embarrassed about these little kid feelings. I'm disgusted with myself for spending so much time wishing for stuff that will not ever happen. And I believe, for me, it is the realization that I'm not as strong as I thought I was, that the person that everyone else sees is not truly me. And that frightens me a lot.

I feel like I'm living in a split universe. The daytime me who goes to work and actually gets things done, the mom who is taking care of her kids and the wife who is struggling to be a woman for her husband. The middle-of-the-night me is the emotionally messy me who is split into different parts and wants totally different things from the daytime me. This person wants to be immersed in therapy, to look at the pain and to try to sort it all out. I guess these are the younger parts of me.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm startled to see the adult woman looking back. I half expect to see a young girl...It is probably a good thing that there isn't a mirror in my Therapist's office!

I guess all of this is to let you know that you aren't alone with these feelings. I don't have the answer. But I think you are doing what you need to, to find your own answers. And you shouldn't feel bad about that. It actually takes strength to allow yourself to be held...don't underestimate how important surrender might be to your healing.

Take good care.
Daisy

 

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