Posted by Racer on April 28, 2004, at 12:02:50
In reply to Re: Need help w/ 13 yr old daughter, posted by Bgirls on April 28, 2004, at 8:28:37
I really do have way too much to say about this, but my own current crisis is not going to allow it. I'll say the things I think are most important, and hope they help:
First of all, that thing you said about her responding to one person teasing her as if the entire school were teasing her? Dont' ever say anything like that to her! Not because it's not true, but because to a kid that age it feels so invalidating. (Guess what? I was a 13 year old girl who had problems once... I remember that...) First step is Validation, even if what you're validating seems ridiculous to you. You have to validate her feelings, before you go on to helping her see something more realistic. Along the lines of "You know, I guess you feel as if this one person teasing you is saying what everyone else in the entire school is thinking, huh? That must be so painful and awful for you. It is? Poor kid, that really sucks, doesn't it. Do you think that EVERY single person in teh school thinks that?" That sort of thing -- validate the feelings first, then try to help her balance them. I guess what I'm saying is that her reality is different from yours right now, and the first thing you have to do to help her is to respect her reality.
The weight thing is probably involved in the hygeine thing. I've seen to many heavy girls who are so out of touch with their bodies and so distressed by them that they can't make themselves get naked or deal with any changes -- like periods -- that affect them. My first and most honest advice is to get her into some sort of program for that weight first thing. The body has to be healthy for any sort of healthy mind. I wouldn't try for any sort of weight loss program, though: can you get her into some sort of Pilates class and MAKE her go? Or maybe a gymnastics for somewhat overweight kids class? Maybe even swimming classes would help. If you can find a horseback riding program that would accept her, get her a series of intensive private lessons there with a really good instructor. (If you tell me what part of the country you're in, I may be able to get you the name of someone who can help with that, because most instructors do try to protect their horses from overweight students. There are good reasons for that, but I do know some people I trust who might be able to help.) The basic idea is to help her learn to live in her skin, and get comfortable within her own body. That will probably go far towards helping her with her hygeine, as well as her weight.
Unfortunately, reality for most of us means that we don't have the time to devote to kids in trouble. Jobs, bills, housekeeping -- none of those go away just because a child needs us. It's heartbreaking, it's overwhelming pressure on us, and it tears us apart. There's nothing that can be done about that, but getting yourself into some sort of supportive therapy may help you handle this better, too, and I recommend it very strongly. The more you do to help yourself stay strong through this, the more you can help your daughter. Don't you dare say that you just can't find the time to do something for yourself -- let me tell you as the daughter of a mother who said that, it just ain't going to fly. MAKE the time to take good care of yourself, so that you can take care of her.
Now back to B. Can you get her into twice or even three times a week therapy? A truly integrated program that includes some sort of physical program would be best, but I doubt very much you'll find anything like that. An eating disorders program might be very helpful, though, and might include a lot of what she needs. I don't think residential is the answer, only because most residential programs right now are geared towards warehousing these days. It's hard to get into a truly good inpatient program unless you've got unlimited financial resources. (At least, that's my experience.) It would also probably feel like punishment to her from what you've described so far. She doesn't need that. Of course, it might also give her a break from the pressure I'm sure she feels. It might be worth talking to her about it, though. Ask her if she thinks that a residential program to give her a break from these pressures might help her. Make it her decision. More frequent therapy might help light a fire, since 13 year old girls are pretty notorious for having trust issues that take a long time to break through.
That's about all I can offer right now, except to say that my heart goes out to you. It's good that you're trying to help your daughter, and if my comments about getting help for yourself, too, sounded harsh they weren't meant that way. I know that I needed help with my step-kids, and without even the limited help I got I couldn't have gotten through. I also know that my mother's refusal to get adequate help for herself had a significant negative impact on me that still causes me a lot of problems at [never you mind how old I am now!], so I wanted to say it strongly enough for you to hear it. Your daughter, despite the problems she's obviously facing, is lucky to have a mother who cares so much and is trying so hard to help her. That's a weapon in her arsenal that will go far towards helping her get through this.
If I can offer more, let me know. I'm having trouble myself, but I will offer as much as I can for you, if you want it.
poster:Racer
thread:340627
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040426/msgs/340995.html